Madness is My Normal

Depressed.  Angy.  Anxious.  Angry.  I'm mad that I'm depressed, angry that I have shit to do but I can't get it done.  Pissed I can't just go to bed until it passes because I have to work to pay the bills and take care of my kids.  I am exhausted empty and dead inside but so full of rage.  How do you feel nothing yet so much all at once?  It makes absolutely no sense.  Every little thing sets me off.  I'm on my own no one to talk to, no one to discuss this with .... I'm without a therapist right now because my insurance raised my co pays so I can't go when as I need to be.  I have got to come out of this and soon or I'm going to go completely off the deep end.  I wish I had just one person in my life to just be there for me rather than suck every ounce of what I've got for their own agenda.

I can’t seem to get myself out of this dark fog.  I’ve been in bed for two days and I don’t ever want to get out of it.  Everything is so bleak.  Everything is exhausting.  Nothing I do is ever for myself.  I just don’t want to go on.  I’m not going to harm myself, though I do daydream about how much better it would be - not to be.  Would anyone really miss me?  It would take a while for them to figure out I was gone.  Hopefully I’ll find a way out of this, but for now, back to sleep I go.