Madness is My Normal

Crying when I wake up.  Crying in the shower (at least my mascara runs off down the drain), crying in the car, take a clonazepam to try not to cry at work all day, take another clonazepam because I can't remember if I took one yet or not.  Still fight off tears all day, can't concentrate on work because I'm focusing on not crying.  Cry in the car on the way home, can't run errands because I look like a fool because I have been crying.  Cry watching TV, cry myself to sleep.  Not one reason that I can think of to cry -- Everything just sucks?  How does one have so many tears?  Oh and don't forget all the snot, blowing your nose till it's raw, add it to the list of misery.  When will it stop, it should have ran it's course by now. #depressed #bipolar

I worked my 2nd job again last night, had 8 suites and no one showed up so I made zero money.  I am truly thankful that I have these jobs, I know a lot of people can't even get or hold one, so please don't think I am not grateful that I have them.  I just feel like I'm sinking, drowning and can't come up for air to take a breath.  I am slowly letting more bills go delinquent which adds to my anxiety and depression and this is not something I have been through before financially.  I've never had a lot of money but I've always been able to cover my bills. I finally got up the nerve last night in my depressive bawling fit to text my husband that we need to get divorced so I can file bankruptcy.  His reply was that he would pay $$ for blow jobs.  End of conversation.  I know that is his way of being funny.  But what I heard, is I'm not going to divorce you, help you or care about your problems per usual, but I'll treat you like a prostitute and pay ...