Self Shaming

As if it's not bad enough to be bipolar and fight the highs and lows I also have to deal with a lot of guilt feelings and self shaming about many things I do, don't do or say.  I've been so low lately that I asked my husband for the first time in the last year to keep the kids my days this week.  I didn't give any reason just asked and he said ok.  I have been so down and I'm so broke that I thought it would be better for them to stay with him this week and even though we have a 50/50 agreement it's more 70/30 me having them the majority of the time.

I love being a mom, it's all I ever wanted in life, so now I'm self shaming and judging myself, riddled with guilt for having their dad step it up and take care of them in my time of need.  I should be happy that he didn't ask why because if I had to answer I think that being selfish is what I would have to say and that isn't something I am used to.  It hurts that he doesn't care if I am ok or not.  But my mental illness is not his problem which he has made clear and it's my job to get better so maybe he thinks I just need some time to get better.

I shouldn't have given up my days with them, I'm just beating myself up about it instead of trying to relax and get through this low.  Then the sadness of them not calling or texting to say hi - like they do my husband when they are with me settles in.... I'm starting to think maybe they would be better off with him full time.  With my crazy what good am I to them?  I just don't know what to do anymore, my emotional roller coaster just seems to keep getting worse and not better and more people fall off the ride as I go leaving me more and more alone.  Maybe my goal is to just be alone.  Be left alone, live alone, be free of judgment, and guilt.  Free myself from self shaming, because if I have nothing then there is nothing to be ashamed of right?


#selfshaming #judgement #guilt #kids #alone #bipolar

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