Holiday's Merry and.......Angry?
Anger has found it's way back to my cycling. I think I'm having normal days.... lack of sleep, constantly tired and numb inside but otherwise normal. I'm fueled with ANGER. I just can't seem to get through the day without wanting to lash out on someone. I've dealt with this coming and going for so many years that I suck most of it in and don't actually lash out to those who mostly but not really deserve it.
The bitch at work that is always trying to undermine me tripped it off Wednesday. The cats eating the loaf of bread through the grocery sack did it yesterday and this morning it was my 3 year old son. Really have to suck it in when that happens. It was the simplest of tasks requested of him and it turns into whining and throwing a tantrum and finally I just throw my hands up in the air and scream as loud as I can. There is nothing else I can do - he's 3 I can't make him not be 3. And then after the scream that led him to more crying I point to his room he goes in I shut the door and then I tremble and cry both working through my frustration and anger and the guilt....Oh the guilt that I don't always have the patience to react first with reasoning and understanding of the fact he is 3.... No it doesn't work that way, it's and on off switch and not my choice whether or not to flip it. It just happens. We are now cuddling on the couch watching an animated movie and all is good, but I'm still filled with incredible guilt that this poor boy has a crazy mom that can't hack it.
Oh and the lovely holidays. Merry Fucking Christmas everyone. I know that most of the next two days will go smoothly but I also know that some of it will be a nightmare. I don't even know why my family bothers to gather. Each year less of the family shows up. Some have grudges, some are just their own kind of crazy they won't admit to but aren't able to make family gatherings for one reason or another. The ones that will be going to my mom's are going out of obligation because it's the one time a year we are able to gather at her house. She will be in the bathroom doing her hair or makeup or both when we all arrive, delaying us eating our Christmas Eve chili or pizza. Then she will be cleaning up and ignoring everyone after we eat delaying all of the kids from opening presents as it gets closer to their bedtimes and they are cranky and JUST WANT TO OPEN PRESENTS. Mom will end up freshening up again in the bathroom while we all sit just waiting to open gifts and consoling our young ones.... At some point we will finally get to gifts and rush through it to get the hell out of there so we can have our individual Christmases at our own homes when we are done. Did I mention it takes a 6 pack or a bottle of wine per adult to get through this? On the streak I am on with my anger this week I have been repeating to myself "Don't Lose Your Shit" non stop to make sure I don't ruin everything for everyone.... I shouldn't give myself credit for that much power but when I become asshole, I can be a real fucking asshole.
This is our 2nd Christmas being separated. My husband has to work Christmas Eve open to close and our tradition is to open the gifts under the tree and in the stockings on this day. We are going to do this Sunday at 9AM instead of after my mom's house (which is good since we always get home so late). So the hubs will show up, we'll open our presents and an hour later he will be gone. He also will not be going to my family Christmas, because he simply doesn't want to -- it was like pulling fingernails out with pliers to get him there all of the years in the past but now he's just not going.... just like that. I can't blame him because it's a forced make it a good time, but we are supposed to be partners no matter how fucked up our life is and his support would be nice, not to mention, once again it's me and the kids and no dad. Just shoot me now.
Christmas day -- Santa will have stopped at my place eaten some cookies, the reighndeer some carrots and left a note saying that he wasn't sure where they were sleeping that Eve so their gifts are at their Dads. So I will need to pile two anxious kids into the car, waiting for me to get all of the gifts and food I've made for his family Christmas packed up before we can race the 5 miles to his house to see what Santa has left (these poor kids, what have I done??) Once we are done there we will load back into the car to go to my Sister in laws to open more gifts, eat and lounge around all day. At some point my husband will leave before anyone else, and I will stay until things wrap up. Can you see the pattern of my non-supportive partner here.
Over the last year I have struggled putting my life back together on my own with no one's understanding in charge of all of the planning and figuring out the plan of how not to fuck up our kids and just drowning in the feeling of being overwhelmed most of the time... it's' no wonder I can't get to a level ground.... and he... my husband still does whatever makes him happy, comfortable, without giving two shits about me, because I'm not his problem.
Up to this point I was excited for Christmas. I've been done shopping since the first week or so of December, everything is wrapped. The elf of the shelf has been touring the house. I know all of the negatives I will face, there are no surprises, for some reason I just stopped and thought about it too long and let it all overwhelm me and piss me right off. I need to shake this attitude, I have 24 hours to keep from losing my shit for the following 48 hours. I can't cause any more issues in my life, I'm already holding the blame for so much the weight is unbearable.
I have so much good to be thankful for, my kids are such an amazing blessing. I also have so much to fear, resent and fall apart over... I want to choose to be happy go lucky for my kids, make this the best Christmas ever just like each year before, but I simply am in a place where I'm not sure I am strong enough to make that happen. I feel weak, I feel overwhelmed, I feel angry, I feel like a failure. Bipolar is winning, anxiety is winning, depression is winning, anger is winning and insomnia is winning. They are all flying at me at the same time and I can't seem to dodge any one of them and just be normal - like I so need to be.
#anger #bipolar #insomnia #anxiety #depression #holidays #kids #lostmyshit #shittymom
The bitch at work that is always trying to undermine me tripped it off Wednesday. The cats eating the loaf of bread through the grocery sack did it yesterday and this morning it was my 3 year old son. Really have to suck it in when that happens. It was the simplest of tasks requested of him and it turns into whining and throwing a tantrum and finally I just throw my hands up in the air and scream as loud as I can. There is nothing else I can do - he's 3 I can't make him not be 3. And then after the scream that led him to more crying I point to his room he goes in I shut the door and then I tremble and cry both working through my frustration and anger and the guilt....Oh the guilt that I don't always have the patience to react first with reasoning and understanding of the fact he is 3.... No it doesn't work that way, it's and on off switch and not my choice whether or not to flip it. It just happens. We are now cuddling on the couch watching an animated movie and all is good, but I'm still filled with incredible guilt that this poor boy has a crazy mom that can't hack it.
Oh and the lovely holidays. Merry Fucking Christmas everyone. I know that most of the next two days will go smoothly but I also know that some of it will be a nightmare. I don't even know why my family bothers to gather. Each year less of the family shows up. Some have grudges, some are just their own kind of crazy they won't admit to but aren't able to make family gatherings for one reason or another. The ones that will be going to my mom's are going out of obligation because it's the one time a year we are able to gather at her house. She will be in the bathroom doing her hair or makeup or both when we all arrive, delaying us eating our Christmas Eve chili or pizza. Then she will be cleaning up and ignoring everyone after we eat delaying all of the kids from opening presents as it gets closer to their bedtimes and they are cranky and JUST WANT TO OPEN PRESENTS. Mom will end up freshening up again in the bathroom while we all sit just waiting to open gifts and consoling our young ones.... At some point we will finally get to gifts and rush through it to get the hell out of there so we can have our individual Christmases at our own homes when we are done. Did I mention it takes a 6 pack or a bottle of wine per adult to get through this? On the streak I am on with my anger this week I have been repeating to myself "Don't Lose Your Shit" non stop to make sure I don't ruin everything for everyone.... I shouldn't give myself credit for that much power but when I become asshole, I can be a real fucking asshole.
This is our 2nd Christmas being separated. My husband has to work Christmas Eve open to close and our tradition is to open the gifts under the tree and in the stockings on this day. We are going to do this Sunday at 9AM instead of after my mom's house (which is good since we always get home so late). So the hubs will show up, we'll open our presents and an hour later he will be gone. He also will not be going to my family Christmas, because he simply doesn't want to -- it was like pulling fingernails out with pliers to get him there all of the years in the past but now he's just not going.... just like that. I can't blame him because it's a forced make it a good time, but we are supposed to be partners no matter how fucked up our life is and his support would be nice, not to mention, once again it's me and the kids and no dad. Just shoot me now.
Christmas day -- Santa will have stopped at my place eaten some cookies, the reighndeer some carrots and left a note saying that he wasn't sure where they were sleeping that Eve so their gifts are at their Dads. So I will need to pile two anxious kids into the car, waiting for me to get all of the gifts and food I've made for his family Christmas packed up before we can race the 5 miles to his house to see what Santa has left (these poor kids, what have I done??) Once we are done there we will load back into the car to go to my Sister in laws to open more gifts, eat and lounge around all day. At some point my husband will leave before anyone else, and I will stay until things wrap up. Can you see the pattern of my non-supportive partner here.
Over the last year I have struggled putting my life back together on my own with no one's understanding in charge of all of the planning and figuring out the plan of how not to fuck up our kids and just drowning in the feeling of being overwhelmed most of the time... it's' no wonder I can't get to a level ground.... and he... my husband still does whatever makes him happy, comfortable, without giving two shits about me, because I'm not his problem.
Up to this point I was excited for Christmas. I've been done shopping since the first week or so of December, everything is wrapped. The elf of the shelf has been touring the house. I know all of the negatives I will face, there are no surprises, for some reason I just stopped and thought about it too long and let it all overwhelm me and piss me right off. I need to shake this attitude, I have 24 hours to keep from losing my shit for the following 48 hours. I can't cause any more issues in my life, I'm already holding the blame for so much the weight is unbearable.
I have so much good to be thankful for, my kids are such an amazing blessing. I also have so much to fear, resent and fall apart over... I want to choose to be happy go lucky for my kids, make this the best Christmas ever just like each year before, but I simply am in a place where I'm not sure I am strong enough to make that happen. I feel weak, I feel overwhelmed, I feel angry, I feel like a failure. Bipolar is winning, anxiety is winning, depression is winning, anger is winning and insomnia is winning. They are all flying at me at the same time and I can't seem to dodge any one of them and just be normal - like I so need to be.
#anger #bipolar #insomnia #anxiety #depression #holidays #kids #lostmyshit #shittymom
Comments
Post a Comment