Damn Winter

It's hard to be bipolar suffering through depression, anxiety and insomnia, trying to make it to two jobs and failing miserably to do so because of the damn winter.  It's difficult to "be there" because of who I am, then being a mother of two, I'm taking time off without pay, again and again.

I'm a mom of two, winter break sucked up all of my vacation and sick time.  Kids had the flu last weekend, my son ending up in the ER for IV fluids and anti nausea medication for 4 hours, then my daughter came down with it Monday.  I have Family Medical leave act for both myself and my son (he has CKD) so I am able to take off time without pay as long as I have enough hours of FMLA.

Today schools were closed due to weather, which turned out to not be a worthy weather day for closings.  I took 6.5 hours off on Monday and 5 hours off today unpaid.  Now I can't make my mortgage payment because my next check won't cover it.... and there will be nothing for groceries or fuel for my vehicle.

I had been feeling pretty good since my med increase last week, the longest stretch in since I can remember, but life keeps slapping me in the face and I'm slowly sinking back into depression.  My anxiety is through the roof, I don't want to do anything but go to bed and I can't sleep.  Because of my own issues with bipolar, I don't have the sick and vacation time needed for my children.  Then being a shitty mom sinks in.

It's good that there is a reason to back up my feelings for once, there is a lot of stress taking a toll on me, but it doesn't really feel any different than when it happens without cause or reason.  It's all bad.  It all makes you feel like shit.  It all makes you want to say Fuck it.

#bipolar #anxiety #depression #insomnia #stress #feellikeshit

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