Stuck

I've been going through something different lately - I've decided to call it stuck.  I'm not depressed, anxious, manic or anything I normally cycle through with my bipolar.  I am just here.  Completely dead inside with no feelings, no "mood", just here..... stuck.

I'm just going through the motions of the day to day because I guess I have to and should be happy I'm not suffering from my normal ups and downs but I'm not.  I don't think I can ever be happy or in the right emotion at the right time.

The 4 year old finally had his birthday party today.  We had to cancel the first one due to a virus and brief visit to the ER for fluids.  All of his friends were able to come and he was so excited and happy.  I want to feel just a pinch of that happiness because I'm missing out on the most important times of my life being such a fucked up mess.

I know even normal people have their ups and downs - but my normal is dead and empty.  I just want to feel and be the way that you are supposed to in the right situation at the right time.  I'm willing to accept just sometimes, but I just don't get to be that way.  I'm stuck.

#stuck #bipolar

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