The Affair

I'm having an affair, a very fun affair, very intense affair, an affair with my husband. 

Many of my prior blogs have been me bitching about my husband always trying to figure out a way to get a quickie.  Nothing has changed, well nothing with him until after I stopped saying no and started saying yes.  

We've gotten together at least 3-4 times a week the last month.  The fun started when he had a few too many beers and begged to come over and after finally saying yes he took an Uber over.  The kids were sleeping and for the first time in several years we were able to have a sexual encounter without a child interrupting.  There was a lot of passion and intimacy that we have been lacking for years and something changed for both of us.  He took an Uber back home after and that was the beginning of our affair.  

We have been sneaking back and forth to each others houses depending on which of us have the kids once they have gone to bed to "hook" up and enjoy each other - fully.  Many times I just stop over a little early before soccer practice or picking up the kids to sneak off before the kids know I'm there, those times are still a quickie, but because I want to not to appease him.

He has opened up more saying things and showing feelings I forgot he possessed.  One of the things he said ws that one of the things he has missed is kissing me.... I hadn't thought about it but other than a quick peck hello or good bye here or there we REALLY had not kissed for years.  YEARS.  WTF???  

I'm not sure if anything else will change in our relationship but it is nice to have this closeness with my husband that had been missing for such a long time.  I have been through so much and he has put up with and ran from me through so much of it mostly because I was a maniac.

While I was mentally unraveling over a couple of year period, he just distanced himself from me and avoided my "moods" while I became resentful and bat shit crazy all on my own.  I blamed him and was almost to the point of hatred toward him because of his lack of support, but looking back I think he just didn't know what to do and was absolutely frightened of what kind of person he would come home to each day, what mood I'd be in, whether I'd be cooking dinner and happy or falling to pieces in bed crying or be a raging lunatic lunging after him in anger.

I'm not going back on anything I have said in the past - but I can continue to try to see different views of what is happening in my life and how my mental illness unleashed and changed my life forever.  I think that as more time passes, I'm less negative and emotional about all that has happened and more positive and proactive going forward.

I'm still me, I'm feeling good on my meds for now but I will always be bipolar.  I will always have my mania and depression and I will not always be in control of my feelings or self....  I would like to think that my marriage is taking a turn for the better, but the reality is that in a few months I could be a totally different person than I am today.  It's so unfair, but a little easier every day the more I understand my disease.

For now I am going to try to continue to enjoy my affair with my husband, but I have to keep in the back of my mind that it may not stay this way forever.

#bipolar #husband #affair