Holiday Weekend

It is so strange to have your kids for the weekend when you are separated and have your husband come pick you and the kids up to drive an hour and twenty minutes to celebrate your father in laws birthday.  Everything is just the same as any other trip as if nothing in life has changed.   Except the nagging distraction of racing thoughts in my head about how did I get here?  How can he / we just go along as if nothing has happened this last 10 months?  How long are we going to continue to pretend that I'm not bipolar or that he didn't abandon me and throw me out of his life when I hit rock bottom? Why do I continue to live this charade hoping one day (after 13 years) that he will somehow get me? Questions that boggled my mind on the drive down, and now traveling back home with him sitting next to me in silence while I write this.  Why do I have to over think and analyze everything?  Why can't I just be?

There sure are a lot of whys in my life and this is just several hours of my Sunday.  I'm not sure where I am supposed to be.  I don't think anything will ever change with him and I don't know how long we can go on this way.  Maybe two months, two years or even ten years.  If it's going to end, I will have to make that call, then I am the bad guy.  The bat shit crazy ex-wife.  I'm not ready to take on that title.  Bat shit crazy is all I can handle right now.

I'll be home soon, dropped off at my house, with my kids and will likely have him come in for our usual 2 or 3 week quickie then watch him drive away, back to our old life without me.

I'm guessing he's thinking of nothing right now other than lounging around when he gets home to his quiet house.... nothing causing him questions or anxiety or fear that his evening will fall into depression because of the days events.  Wouldn't it be nice to just have the ability to turn off your mind, just for a minute?  To only be so lucky.

Here I go, off to make myself better, all by myself.  Again.

#separated #bipolar #batshitcrazy

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