Men.....

I have been so low this week that my husband kept the kids on my days for me, no questions asked, he just did it.  I went to my daughters soccer practice last night and my son was very excited to see me, which was heart warming and my husband per usual just made casual small talk.  

When we were at our cars in the parking lot, I helped get the kids in the car and of course he snuck a quick grab ass and asked when he could get some nookie... it must have been my expression because he backed up a bit and just stood there.  I responded "I didn't say no, I just feel - Blah".  He then went on to discuss that he ran into someone who knew his friend who took his life back in March - who had been recently diagnosed as bipolar.  This man had been friends with my husband since T-Ball and he is completely crushed that he is gone.  I am as well, don't get me wrong, I just struggle to understand how he is talking with people and trying to cope with the loss of his friend but can't for a moment step out of his comfort zone and be there for me.  He asked me if I was still taking my meds. I teared up, thank God for sunglasses, I said yes and in fact one had just gotten increased a couple of days ago to try to get me leveled out.  I looked at him and said that I am all alone in this, no one wants to talk to me about it, and he shrugged.  I kissed the kids goodbye, shut the truck door and got in  my truck and cried all the way home.

I can be understanding to a point that he is trying to relate with me by talking about his friend, but a month from tomorrow will be a year since I tried to kill myself, at what point will he acknowledge that?  At what point will he realize that I need someone to be there for me when I'm up or down and maybe just give me a shoulder to lean on?  I need him to be there, just be there.  His only interest is getting nookie every couple of weeks and that is all we have.  I am bawling typing about this, I feel so unwanted so alone and so afraid of being alone forever in this.  If he doesn't want me for who I am, who the hell else ever will?

Don't be a dick guy made a return too.... Asked me at 11:00 this morning what I was doing tonight.  I said no plans..... Never heard back.  To all men DON'T BE A DICK!  WTF is the deal with everything being at their convenience and manipulation?  When do I get to have some kind of control over my life and relationships?  I'm so fed up with everything, I'm so tired of crying and I'm sick of not having a life with anyone reliable in it.  When or will it ever get better?

#men #bipolar #husband #meds