Drowning
I'm drowning, physically drowning, I can't breath, can't come up for air I am consumed. I'm drowning in emotions, drowning in debt, drowning in life.
I'm working my ass off at a full time job, and a part time job. I've signed up for shifts all weekend since I don't have the kids at my part time job. It's a tipping gig with shitty hourly pay, the last two nights I made $85 and then $65. It's more than I started with before the weekend but when the other girls I'm working with are walking out the door with $200 to $800 I have to question what is the point. I'm a stressed out wreck, I really needed to make some money this weekend - I just needed enough to pay the bills that are outstanding and maybe have enough to take my kids to do something. They don't understand why I can't do more with them and why it comes so easy with dad. I'm in a lose lose no matter what. I'm the diseased. I'm the failure.
I'm doubting myself, it has to be me, it can't be the luck of the draw that I'm the one earning the lowest tips. There are girls that have been there longer than me so they have dibs on the clients that tip better and I get the newcomers or the guest of the owners to serve that don't understand how the tipping works. I know part of this is a set up, but by the time I left tonight it was all I could do to choke back the tears because I am so far behind on things that this is not going to dig me out of anything.
Meanwhile my husband, who kicked me out last year when I lost my shit, went to the mental ward for a week after a suicide attempt and diagnosis of bipolar, just went out and bought a brand new truck with cash. His business did so well last year he needs to spend some money to make up for the extra income coming in for tax purposes. Hey fucker - I got an idea, how about you sling some of that my way. I still have 3 years on my truck payment, how bout you pay that off and free up some money for me to survive.
I don't know if I'm more disgusted with him or myself. I don't understand why my suicide attempt didn't just end in death. I hate waking up everyday not knowing who I'm going to be today. Will I be happy, sad, manic, depressed or just plain fucked up?
I honestly don't know what my purpose is. No matter what I do in the end I'm still struggling and I'm still not enough, and I'm ultimately alone. This is not a life for anyone. I think it would be better for everyone if I just weren't here. It would certainly be a relief not to wake up and have to deal with it another day.
I'm working my ass off at a full time job, and a part time job. I've signed up for shifts all weekend since I don't have the kids at my part time job. It's a tipping gig with shitty hourly pay, the last two nights I made $85 and then $65. It's more than I started with before the weekend but when the other girls I'm working with are walking out the door with $200 to $800 I have to question what is the point. I'm a stressed out wreck, I really needed to make some money this weekend - I just needed enough to pay the bills that are outstanding and maybe have enough to take my kids to do something. They don't understand why I can't do more with them and why it comes so easy with dad. I'm in a lose lose no matter what. I'm the diseased. I'm the failure.
I'm doubting myself, it has to be me, it can't be the luck of the draw that I'm the one earning the lowest tips. There are girls that have been there longer than me so they have dibs on the clients that tip better and I get the newcomers or the guest of the owners to serve that don't understand how the tipping works. I know part of this is a set up, but by the time I left tonight it was all I could do to choke back the tears because I am so far behind on things that this is not going to dig me out of anything.
Meanwhile my husband, who kicked me out last year when I lost my shit, went to the mental ward for a week after a suicide attempt and diagnosis of bipolar, just went out and bought a brand new truck with cash. His business did so well last year he needs to spend some money to make up for the extra income coming in for tax purposes. Hey fucker - I got an idea, how about you sling some of that my way. I still have 3 years on my truck payment, how bout you pay that off and free up some money for me to survive.
I don't know if I'm more disgusted with him or myself. I don't understand why my suicide attempt didn't just end in death. I hate waking up everyday not knowing who I'm going to be today. Will I be happy, sad, manic, depressed or just plain fucked up?
I honestly don't know what my purpose is. No matter what I do in the end I'm still struggling and I'm still not enough, and I'm ultimately alone. This is not a life for anyone. I think it would be better for everyone if I just weren't here. It would certainly be a relief not to wake up and have to deal with it another day.
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