Normal?
I'm baffled by how difficult it is to find the urge to write when I'm feeling "normal". My increase in Abilify has allowed me to get out of bed, most days before my alarm goes off. I'm not suffering insomnia at this time, but sometimes I may only sleep 4-6 hours but its solid sleep which is new for me. I've found that I'm continuously amped or manic now that I'm not depressed. I try to counteract the anxiety with a dose of Clonazepam. It's like a game of which pill to take when to get on the right track.
I've been very productive the last couple of weeks, but have also been spending money shopping on line like I have no business doing. I have now confirmed not only depression makes me shop - that apparently just happens no matter how I am feeling. Sometimes I may just be buying cat litter and food, but I am buying it on credit online instead of budgeting my cash and going to the store. It's a vicious cycle. Me and shopping. I've managed to make all of my major payments, house, car, utilities this month, but not a dime left for credit card bills, gas or groceries.
I'm looking forward to my 2nd job starting back up next weekend. I work whenever I can pick up shifts when I don't have the kids. I need to work every available one to dig myself out of the hole but I can only work the days I don't have my kids. I've never been delinquent on my bills and I'm fast approaching late payments and fees. I can't let my credit go downhill, that will create a whole new depression that I will not be able to control. It physically makes me ill due to the stupidity I have shown to dig myself into such unnecessary debt and not even have anything to show for it.
On the positive, I have been productive, the house is clean, the laundry and dishes are done. I've painted a dresser that I got for free to move to my room to help get all my shit organized more effectively.
My anger has been curbed - I was flying off the handle over every little thing and now I'm just kind of "eh" whatever about things that normally frustrate and piss me off. Meds are not always the answer and I don't know that the combination is correct but being up is better than being down for the most part, but I also become forgetful and my thoughts race and my anxiety is increased. I don't know which is the better trade off?
I hope all of you reading are doing ok - and know that you are not alone in your ups and downs. I'm going to try to do better getting my thoughts out. I know when I'm down and depressed I'm relieved some when I share, maybe it can help me relax when I'm spinning on my highs.
#depression #anxiety #meds #shopping #nomal
I've been very productive the last couple of weeks, but have also been spending money shopping on line like I have no business doing. I have now confirmed not only depression makes me shop - that apparently just happens no matter how I am feeling. Sometimes I may just be buying cat litter and food, but I am buying it on credit online instead of budgeting my cash and going to the store. It's a vicious cycle. Me and shopping. I've managed to make all of my major payments, house, car, utilities this month, but not a dime left for credit card bills, gas or groceries.
I'm looking forward to my 2nd job starting back up next weekend. I work whenever I can pick up shifts when I don't have the kids. I need to work every available one to dig myself out of the hole but I can only work the days I don't have my kids. I've never been delinquent on my bills and I'm fast approaching late payments and fees. I can't let my credit go downhill, that will create a whole new depression that I will not be able to control. It physically makes me ill due to the stupidity I have shown to dig myself into such unnecessary debt and not even have anything to show for it.
On the positive, I have been productive, the house is clean, the laundry and dishes are done. I've painted a dresser that I got for free to move to my room to help get all my shit organized more effectively.
My anger has been curbed - I was flying off the handle over every little thing and now I'm just kind of "eh" whatever about things that normally frustrate and piss me off. Meds are not always the answer and I don't know that the combination is correct but being up is better than being down for the most part, but I also become forgetful and my thoughts race and my anxiety is increased. I don't know which is the better trade off?
I hope all of you reading are doing ok - and know that you are not alone in your ups and downs. I'm going to try to do better getting my thoughts out. I know when I'm down and depressed I'm relieved some when I share, maybe it can help me relax when I'm spinning on my highs.
#depression #anxiety #meds #shopping #nomal
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