Financial Despair
As you all know, I moved out of my husband's house almost a year ago, November 15th will be the anniversary of my fucked up life becoming more fucked and alone. When I left I had my truck and my clothes and shoes to take with me. I have two kids, I bought a house, furnished 3 bedrooms, a dining room, living room, and am now on my 4th season of suitable clothes for my kids to wear. Sadly I bought or was gifted everything that filled my husbands house, furniture and appliances included so it was a big slap in the face to be expected to have money just appear and be easily able to replace these items. Nothing I bought was extravagant, I can find nice things at a low cost, but added up it cost a pretty penny. The real problem is when I am stressed, or anxious or depressed, shopping makes me feel good. So I have made extra unnecessary purchases along the way as well, to the tune of 30K. I'm officially broke.
My paychecks from my full time job, which luckily I make a good salary and should be able to more than survive on them -- and as a side note, I am thankful for this job and that I am able so far to keep it and that most of the time I'm able to go to it, I know some have it harder than me and struggle with their mental health to the point it's impossible to work or keep a job (My heart sincerely goes out to those of you I get it and know it's not a choice).
I've picked up a second job, I started last year on November 22nd, another anniversary of my crazy life. I work at an Events Center serving rich business owner's bulk quantities of food and beverage, their final bill can rack up to quite a tab, but this season (there are no events in the summer) so far I'm finding these rich assholes are treating me more like a servant than a server and apparently they don't feel that my status makes me worth a tip. Are you freaking kidding me? I need to make at least $100 a shift to make this even worth my time. I had $1000 in sales Thursday night and walked out with $32.00 in tips. One bill was $400 and I was tipped with compliments but $0.00. I wanted to so badly slap this bitch in the face. I waited on her hand and foot, all with smiles and gratitude and she thought I was worth zero? Thanks a fucking lot, my kids won't eat next week but you have $400 to blow on feeding and drinking with 15 of your friends. Unbelievable. 2 out of 8 suites I served tipped me. To those people, thank you, they were even 20% tips, which is rare to begin with, sadly their bill wasn't that high so the tip wasn't a lot, but trust me I was extra kind to them for being good humans.
I'm burnt out, I'm working 60-80 hours of the week and I can't make it. It feels like what is the point. I try and try and no matter what I never come out on top. When I'm not working I have my kids, and I feel like a shitty mom because I can't buy them anything or take them anywhere. It's getting cold out so there are no more trips to the park or bike rides or other things to do for free. It's going to be a long winter.
Now the holidays are coming..... oh the holidays. Let's forget about the true meaning of them and just see how deep your pockets are and earn the love of your family by buying a bunch of shit no one needs to show how much you appreciate them. WTF am I going to do? I have zero money in the bank I'm making less than a hundred dollars a shift at job two and my credit cards are fully maxed out, some of them have even lowered my limit so it will be years to pay off on whats above that limit to even be able to use them. My bills are not paid, and I have to figure out how to buy food to make for Thanksgiving and gifts for Christmas. My kids are 7 and 3, they are such great kids (I don't know how I actually got lucky there) they deserve to get some of their gift wish list, but I am in no way going to be able to provide for them.
I have to question why on November 15th 2017, why I didn't just die when I overdosed. I don't like to think about what it would do for my kids, but I'm exhausted and in worse shape than I was back then. What was the point in me surviving? My dad passed away November 15th 2003, part of me believes he didn't think it was my time yet because for some reason my sister found an overwhelming urge to come check on me... I was taking pills over a 3 day period chased by alcohol and my husband let me lay in bed. Had she just ignored her intuition, I wouldn't be here, and really I think it would have been for the best..... No one is watching me struggle, I'm alone in that except for my sweet 7 year old who can read me and knows mom doesn't have any money and is satisfied making crafts as our special activity time together.
I don't want to leave my kids, but I am tired of struggling and I don't know how much longer I can do it. There is no break in sight.
Better off Dead.
#financialyunstable #betteroffdead #depressed #bipoloar
My paychecks from my full time job, which luckily I make a good salary and should be able to more than survive on them -- and as a side note, I am thankful for this job and that I am able so far to keep it and that most of the time I'm able to go to it, I know some have it harder than me and struggle with their mental health to the point it's impossible to work or keep a job (My heart sincerely goes out to those of you I get it and know it's not a choice).
I've picked up a second job, I started last year on November 22nd, another anniversary of my crazy life. I work at an Events Center serving rich business owner's bulk quantities of food and beverage, their final bill can rack up to quite a tab, but this season (there are no events in the summer) so far I'm finding these rich assholes are treating me more like a servant than a server and apparently they don't feel that my status makes me worth a tip. Are you freaking kidding me? I need to make at least $100 a shift to make this even worth my time. I had $1000 in sales Thursday night and walked out with $32.00 in tips. One bill was $400 and I was tipped with compliments but $0.00. I wanted to so badly slap this bitch in the face. I waited on her hand and foot, all with smiles and gratitude and she thought I was worth zero? Thanks a fucking lot, my kids won't eat next week but you have $400 to blow on feeding and drinking with 15 of your friends. Unbelievable. 2 out of 8 suites I served tipped me. To those people, thank you, they were even 20% tips, which is rare to begin with, sadly their bill wasn't that high so the tip wasn't a lot, but trust me I was extra kind to them for being good humans.
I'm burnt out, I'm working 60-80 hours of the week and I can't make it. It feels like what is the point. I try and try and no matter what I never come out on top. When I'm not working I have my kids, and I feel like a shitty mom because I can't buy them anything or take them anywhere. It's getting cold out so there are no more trips to the park or bike rides or other things to do for free. It's going to be a long winter.
Now the holidays are coming..... oh the holidays. Let's forget about the true meaning of them and just see how deep your pockets are and earn the love of your family by buying a bunch of shit no one needs to show how much you appreciate them. WTF am I going to do? I have zero money in the bank I'm making less than a hundred dollars a shift at job two and my credit cards are fully maxed out, some of them have even lowered my limit so it will be years to pay off on whats above that limit to even be able to use them. My bills are not paid, and I have to figure out how to buy food to make for Thanksgiving and gifts for Christmas. My kids are 7 and 3, they are such great kids (I don't know how I actually got lucky there) they deserve to get some of their gift wish list, but I am in no way going to be able to provide for them.
I have to question why on November 15th 2017, why I didn't just die when I overdosed. I don't like to think about what it would do for my kids, but I'm exhausted and in worse shape than I was back then. What was the point in me surviving? My dad passed away November 15th 2003, part of me believes he didn't think it was my time yet because for some reason my sister found an overwhelming urge to come check on me... I was taking pills over a 3 day period chased by alcohol and my husband let me lay in bed. Had she just ignored her intuition, I wouldn't be here, and really I think it would have been for the best..... No one is watching me struggle, I'm alone in that except for my sweet 7 year old who can read me and knows mom doesn't have any money and is satisfied making crafts as our special activity time together.
I don't want to leave my kids, but I am tired of struggling and I don't know how much longer I can do it. There is no break in sight.
Better off Dead.
#financialyunstable #betteroffdead #depressed #bipoloar
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