He Gets Me
I have been depressed for weeks now, just completely falling apart. I have a friend, we have known each other over 20 years. He has actually been reading up on bipolar, and depression trying to understand what I go through. The only person that I know that has. He checks up on me, he sends me text messages to check in every so often, not too much, not too little, just at the right times it always seems. He seems to have a 6th sense about how I'm doing because he will ask me to lunch or dinner at the very time I need his support. Friday night I decided to buck up, stop crying and asked him to just take me out to have a good time. We went to a hole in the wall bar (my favorite kind) and played pool (I'm no good at this) and laughed and danced and had fun. He came over Saturday, I made dinner to make up for all the meals he has bought me (or a start I'll never be able to catch up to what he's done for me) and we just hung out, watched a couple of movies, and after he left I had the best nights sleep I can remember in a long time.
No expectations, no intimacy, just a friend, there for true support. I don't know anyone else that could do this for me. I'm not sure why for so many years I've been blind to what a great friend he truly is to me. I have to admit we did date in high school briefly and on and off for a couple of years after. but not in the last 18.... There is definitely attraction still there, but no crossing any lines. I am still married and he respects that. I'm thankful to have him in my life, and can't begin to explain how truly blessed I am to have him.
After 13 years with my husband, he doesn't know me even a bit as well as my friend. It's really weighing on my mind how and why things work out the way they do. The timing, the impossibilities, the possibilities, all are endless. While I'm feeling less depressed, my anxiety is kicking in with those thousands of thoughts of what to do -- I plan to keep our friendship as it is, but part of me feels like I need to tell the hubs to shit or get off the pot. He's making no effort to understand or even get to know me after all of these years, I've just been too blind to see it. He would probably be fine if we lived in separate houses for the rest of our lives. We don't go out because with the 50/50 split with the kids we spend our individual time with them. We have no social life, no common friends, no meaningful conversations, why do I stay with him? We've been like this for a year now, I think until I finally decide I've had enough and call it quits it will just continue the way it is.
Then the guilt. I don't want to be the asshole that decides that we are over and that it's time to move on. I don't want to file for divorce I don't want to make the one decided decision because he won't because I can't deal with the guilt. And why do I have to feel all of this guilt, he's making no effort, I've reached out, I've tried to get him to go to counseling with me, I've tried to get him to go on vacations with me with or without the kids, I can't for the life of me get him to want to do anything with me other than our annual 2-3 week hop in the sack. Why is this all he needs and why when I try to talk to him about me and us and how I feel is it acceptable for him to say nothing and ignore me.
My friend keeps telling me that he just thinks I need to get out of my head, and that is his only intention for getting me out of the house, hanging out with me and being there for me, and he's right. A tremendous weight has lifted this last few days just having someone get me... and accept me for who I really am.
I know that I will always have my ups and downs and racing thoughts, but if one person can calm the storm just a little bit, why can't I walk away from the one that causes me the most pain?
#hegetsme #support #friend #guilt #bipolar #depression
No expectations, no intimacy, just a friend, there for true support. I don't know anyone else that could do this for me. I'm not sure why for so many years I've been blind to what a great friend he truly is to me. I have to admit we did date in high school briefly and on and off for a couple of years after. but not in the last 18.... There is definitely attraction still there, but no crossing any lines. I am still married and he respects that. I'm thankful to have him in my life, and can't begin to explain how truly blessed I am to have him.
After 13 years with my husband, he doesn't know me even a bit as well as my friend. It's really weighing on my mind how and why things work out the way they do. The timing, the impossibilities, the possibilities, all are endless. While I'm feeling less depressed, my anxiety is kicking in with those thousands of thoughts of what to do -- I plan to keep our friendship as it is, but part of me feels like I need to tell the hubs to shit or get off the pot. He's making no effort to understand or even get to know me after all of these years, I've just been too blind to see it. He would probably be fine if we lived in separate houses for the rest of our lives. We don't go out because with the 50/50 split with the kids we spend our individual time with them. We have no social life, no common friends, no meaningful conversations, why do I stay with him? We've been like this for a year now, I think until I finally decide I've had enough and call it quits it will just continue the way it is.
Then the guilt. I don't want to be the asshole that decides that we are over and that it's time to move on. I don't want to file for divorce I don't want to make the one decided decision because he won't because I can't deal with the guilt. And why do I have to feel all of this guilt, he's making no effort, I've reached out, I've tried to get him to go to counseling with me, I've tried to get him to go on vacations with me with or without the kids, I can't for the life of me get him to want to do anything with me other than our annual 2-3 week hop in the sack. Why is this all he needs and why when I try to talk to him about me and us and how I feel is it acceptable for him to say nothing and ignore me.
My friend keeps telling me that he just thinks I need to get out of my head, and that is his only intention for getting me out of the house, hanging out with me and being there for me, and he's right. A tremendous weight has lifted this last few days just having someone get me... and accept me for who I really am.
I know that I will always have my ups and downs and racing thoughts, but if one person can calm the storm just a little bit, why can't I walk away from the one that causes me the most pain?
#hegetsme #support #friend #guilt #bipolar #depression
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