Survived
I survived the holiday. It was actually an enjoyable day with my in-laws with the exception of my husband. He sat in the basement alone being anti social the majority of the day. Barely spoke to me, leaving me feeling unwanted and alone once again. He left a few hours before I did and the kids stayed the night with their Aunt. Why do I continue to stay in this marriage hoping for a change. He is not capable of changing and if he is he clearly doesn't want to.
The only contact he makes with me outside of information concerning the kids is if he wants me to send him a dirty picture or tries to make excuses for me to come in the house for a quickie every time there is an opportunity. We actually haven't been intimate for over a month which is our longest stretch since we separated.
I know I hold on because I still don't want to be a divorced person, I don't want to completely break our family unite, and I do love him. I can't stand the thought of him being with someone else, it just breaks me. He sent a text complimenting the food I made and referenced "hooking up" next week. I responded "I don't think so, if you can't spend time with me while we are in the same house, and we have no social life together, what is the point". To no surprise, he has not responded. Doubt he will.
On a positive note -- I truly enjoyed the company of my in-laws and the out-laws, the conversations with them were fantastic. The food was delicious and it was nice to catch up and genuinely laugh a bit. Had I been able to keep my relationship out of the equation it would have been a great day.
When I left, alone in the car, I felt completely empty. I made the short drive home, and for whatever reason when I made it to the driveway and put the car in park .....I lost my shit. Started uncontrollably bawling. I made it in the house, locked the door then slid to the floor and just bawled until there were no more tears. I picked myself up off the floor, crawled into bed and thankfully was able to sleep for six hours.... guess they crying exhausted me and over came my insomnia.
The swings - ups and downs back and forth from one minute, hour to the next -- where the fuck does it all come from. As I sit on the couch alone today I am thankful that I have to go pick up the kids shortly - if not I would likely take a few extra Clonazepam so I could sleep the day away. I really need a day of that, I can't remember the last opportunity between the kids, work and job 2 that I've just had a day to myself. I need some time alone. I have the kids until Monday morning, then I work both jobs Monday and Tuesday then pick up the kids again for Wed Thurs..... I love having them here, they are really my only reason to live, but when I feel like I do now I think it reflects on them and I don't want to fuck them up because their mother is broken. I used to say bent but not broken but I am literally crumbled.
To those of you that read this and to those of you that are sad, anxious, bipolar, bpd and any other way that I missed - I do wish you a good day as always, somehow we are all figuring out a way, no matter how hard to make it to tomorrow.
#sadness #bipolar #crying #hurt
The only contact he makes with me outside of information concerning the kids is if he wants me to send him a dirty picture or tries to make excuses for me to come in the house for a quickie every time there is an opportunity. We actually haven't been intimate for over a month which is our longest stretch since we separated.
I know I hold on because I still don't want to be a divorced person, I don't want to completely break our family unite, and I do love him. I can't stand the thought of him being with someone else, it just breaks me. He sent a text complimenting the food I made and referenced "hooking up" next week. I responded "I don't think so, if you can't spend time with me while we are in the same house, and we have no social life together, what is the point". To no surprise, he has not responded. Doubt he will.
On a positive note -- I truly enjoyed the company of my in-laws and the out-laws, the conversations with them were fantastic. The food was delicious and it was nice to catch up and genuinely laugh a bit. Had I been able to keep my relationship out of the equation it would have been a great day.
When I left, alone in the car, I felt completely empty. I made the short drive home, and for whatever reason when I made it to the driveway and put the car in park .....I lost my shit. Started uncontrollably bawling. I made it in the house, locked the door then slid to the floor and just bawled until there were no more tears. I picked myself up off the floor, crawled into bed and thankfully was able to sleep for six hours.... guess they crying exhausted me and over came my insomnia.
The swings - ups and downs back and forth from one minute, hour to the next -- where the fuck does it all come from. As I sit on the couch alone today I am thankful that I have to go pick up the kids shortly - if not I would likely take a few extra Clonazepam so I could sleep the day away. I really need a day of that, I can't remember the last opportunity between the kids, work and job 2 that I've just had a day to myself. I need some time alone. I have the kids until Monday morning, then I work both jobs Monday and Tuesday then pick up the kids again for Wed Thurs..... I love having them here, they are really my only reason to live, but when I feel like I do now I think it reflects on them and I don't want to fuck them up because their mother is broken. I used to say bent but not broken but I am literally crumbled.
To those of you that read this and to those of you that are sad, anxious, bipolar, bpd and any other way that I missed - I do wish you a good day as always, somehow we are all figuring out a way, no matter how hard to make it to tomorrow.
#sadness #bipolar #crying #hurt
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