Useless

Today was a day filled with being useless.  No happiness, no ability to pretend to be happy, just dead inside.  No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't do it today.  When will this depression pass?  I felt like I failed at every step of the day, nothing went as planned, when I tried to do something it just fell flat and went wrong.  I just need a good day, something positive, something to turn things around.  I didn't choose this, I don't want this but it won't go away.  I feel useless, unable to take care of myself, my kids, my responsibilities.. I just want to be done with it all.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Choose Your Mood..... Well Kind of.

I was able to roll out of bed today so I am off to a better start than yesterday.  I tend to stumble and fumble around the house in the dark until I get my eyes open.  Went and got my coffee started, THANK GOD for Keurig and the perfect cup of coffee. Went downstairs and fed the cats, came back up, got my hot coffee (added some creamer) and started to walk to the table to sit down and collect my thoughts.  Instead of "gracefully" walking to the table I stepped on one cats tail, then tripped over the other one, and fell flat on my face, coffee thrown EVERYWHERE!  as I lay there, I thought why do I bother.  If I could get by with calling into work this would be the day -  However I need to pay the bills so I chose to clean up the mess, and head to the shower. Who in the hell wanders around the house with hot coffee in the dark with two black cats?  Me, I do. I did this to myself.  I can't really be the type of person that chooses the mood t...
Read more

Anger

Depressed.  Angy.  Anxious.  Angry.  I'm mad that I'm depressed, angry that I have shit to do but I can't get it done.  Pissed I can't just go to bed until it passes because I have to work to pay the bills and take care of my kids.  I am exhausted empty and dead inside but so full of rage.  How do you feel nothing yet so much all at once?  It makes absolutely no sense.  Every little thing sets me off.  I'm on my own no one to talk to, no one to discuss this with .... I'm without a therapist right now because my insurance raised my co pays so I can't go when as I need to be.  I have got to come out of this and soon or I'm going to go completely off the deep end.  I wish I had just one person in my life to just be there for me rather than suck every ounce of what I've got for their own agenda.
Read more

Vacation Let Down

I just arrived home after a wonderful Florida vacation with my two kids.  It was their first time flying and seeing the Gulf, and they absolutely loved it.  I have always loved the beach, it's the one place (no matter what beach, city, state or country) that I can clear my mind and be "normal".  I finished a book that my niece gave me almost a year ago, one she had read and thought would help me.  I have picked it up and put it down several times over the passing months, not because I didn't want to read it or that I didn't want to read it, I was just not able to focus and sit down and finish it.  Until I was in a place where I could clear my mind. Today I woke up at 3:30 AM, again at 5:00 AM and finally when my alarm went off at 6:45 AM to get up to get ready for work.  I couldn't lift my head off of my pillow.  I hit sleep and rolled over, which I found equally as difficult as raising my head off of my pillow.  I searched around blindly with o...
Read more