Heartbroken
Do you ever find yourself continuously letting someone have the power over you to break your heart, soul and drain every ounce of good from you? My husband (who I live separately from for those that haven't read prior posts) sent me a text today asking me to take the kids so he can attend his 21st anniversary / holiday party at his bar. I responded yes, since I have nothing on the calendar. I didn't go last year due to his disgust with my suicide attempt the month prior and complete lack of support he provided through that time, as well as not being invited. Keep in mind this is the one time a year I was allowed be a patron at his bar because he'd rather me not be there the rest of the year. I just stayed home with the kids, known about but never seen.
After responding yes, I thought about it a bit, and I realize the exception last year, due to the extreme changes in our life recently and I honestly wasn't right in my head it was best that I wasn't invited. After thinking more about not being invited this year -- I texted back, "So I am officially banned from attending these huh?" 45 minutes later he replied "I didn't think you would want to go." Keep in mind this is one of my favorite things to do and the one time he'd actually pull up a chair next to me and introduce me to people I may not know. I waited out texting back.... wasn't going to then decided to respond that "I think that you just don't want me to be around anyone you know. I'm happy to have the kids."
It's been 3 hours, no a word.
This last year living separately was meant to throw out the day to day bullshit and take some time to rebuild a better relationship between us, do things together, compromise and find our way back to some kind of happy. What it has been is me taking the kids whenever he wants to go do something, or him hitting me up for a romp in the sack. We both attend kid functions, have idle conversation at those but other than that we have no social or personal life together. A friend has pointed out to me that it's not going to change until I stand up to him and start saying no. He's living his life, our life, my friends were his friends first so when he does things with them I'm not included. He doesn't include me in anything in his life. I'm still just the wife that sits home with the kids known of but never seen.
My new goal is to stop playing the fool. I'm going to say no when he asks me to take the kids, I've never asked him to do it for me, why should I continually do it for him? I am done feeling sorry for him when he's gone a few weeks without sex, not going to lie, I miss it and enjoy it, but at this point he has total freedom and he gets his needs met by me so he has no reason to put forth any effort to make things better. I don't know if I start saying no if he will miss me and step things up or not, but if he doesn't maybe it's not worth going through the pain of it all. I know he's not sitting there with a thousand thoughts about my hurt feelings. Or the fact that I broke into uncontrollable tears at work and that I had to leave early because I was a mess.
I just need to get through the holidays be strong and tell him to fuck off if he's not going to change. I've bent over backwards for him, I've tried to help him understand my #bipolar, he isn't interested in learning anything about it. Not his illness, not his problem. I am in serious need of a psychologist visit and a med check but each are a bit away due to several cancellations on their end.
Is there any hope for me? Am I just always going to feel empty and sad and hurt? I can't hardly take it anymore and have started having suicidal thoughts again, I'm still not sure why the last attempt didn't work, I haven't found anything to really change, I'm alone, I'm sad, I'm depressed and I'm just so done.
#bipolar #depressed #suicide #unhappy
After responding yes, I thought about it a bit, and I realize the exception last year, due to the extreme changes in our life recently and I honestly wasn't right in my head it was best that I wasn't invited. After thinking more about not being invited this year -- I texted back, "So I am officially banned from attending these huh?" 45 minutes later he replied "I didn't think you would want to go." Keep in mind this is one of my favorite things to do and the one time he'd actually pull up a chair next to me and introduce me to people I may not know. I waited out texting back.... wasn't going to then decided to respond that "I think that you just don't want me to be around anyone you know. I'm happy to have the kids."
It's been 3 hours, no a word.
This last year living separately was meant to throw out the day to day bullshit and take some time to rebuild a better relationship between us, do things together, compromise and find our way back to some kind of happy. What it has been is me taking the kids whenever he wants to go do something, or him hitting me up for a romp in the sack. We both attend kid functions, have idle conversation at those but other than that we have no social or personal life together. A friend has pointed out to me that it's not going to change until I stand up to him and start saying no. He's living his life, our life, my friends were his friends first so when he does things with them I'm not included. He doesn't include me in anything in his life. I'm still just the wife that sits home with the kids known of but never seen.
My new goal is to stop playing the fool. I'm going to say no when he asks me to take the kids, I've never asked him to do it for me, why should I continually do it for him? I am done feeling sorry for him when he's gone a few weeks without sex, not going to lie, I miss it and enjoy it, but at this point he has total freedom and he gets his needs met by me so he has no reason to put forth any effort to make things better. I don't know if I start saying no if he will miss me and step things up or not, but if he doesn't maybe it's not worth going through the pain of it all. I know he's not sitting there with a thousand thoughts about my hurt feelings. Or the fact that I broke into uncontrollable tears at work and that I had to leave early because I was a mess.
I just need to get through the holidays be strong and tell him to fuck off if he's not going to change. I've bent over backwards for him, I've tried to help him understand my #bipolar, he isn't interested in learning anything about it. Not his illness, not his problem. I am in serious need of a psychologist visit and a med check but each are a bit away due to several cancellations on their end.
Is there any hope for me? Am I just always going to feel empty and sad and hurt? I can't hardly take it anymore and have started having suicidal thoughts again, I'm still not sure why the last attempt didn't work, I haven't found anything to really change, I'm alone, I'm sad, I'm depressed and I'm just so done.
#bipolar #depressed #suicide #unhappy
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