Just Can't Kick It

I'm still depressed.  It feels like it's been an eternity.  I just can't kick it.  I called into work today.  I just want to sleep.  However I can't sleep, but I can't get out of bed.... WTF?  I can't even be depressed right.  I'm staying in bed sleep or not, but somehow I have got to eventually get out of this bed and function.  My house is a mess, I don't want to clean it... I have laundry to the ceiling and I don't want to do it and certainly don't want to put it away, that is the worst.  I pick up my kids at 5PM, so I have to figure out a way to shower at some point to do that.  I just don't want to "anything".  No one cares how I am or what I am doing, I'm not being missed.... what is the point of my existance, the answers are becoming fewer and fewer.

FYI - My house is a mess.... but on a positive note, it's not dirty / filthy, just needs picked up and things put away.  I don't want to draw the wrong pic

Well - Trying to sleep again.  Hope the rest of you are doing better than me today.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Anger

Depressed.  Angy.  Anxious.  Angry.  I'm mad that I'm depressed, angry that I have shit to do but I can't get it done.  Pissed I can't just go to bed until it passes because I have to work to pay the bills and take care of my kids.  I am exhausted empty and dead inside but so full of rage.  How do you feel nothing yet so much all at once?  It makes absolutely no sense.  Every little thing sets me off.  I'm on my own no one to talk to, no one to discuss this with .... I'm without a therapist right now because my insurance raised my co pays so I can't go when as I need to be.  I have got to come out of this and soon or I'm going to go completely off the deep end.  I wish I had just one person in my life to just be there for me rather than suck every ounce of what I've got for their own agenda.
Read more

Damn Winter

It's hard to be bipolar suffering through depression, anxiety and insomnia, trying to make it to two jobs and failing miserably to do so because of the damn winter.  It's difficult to "be there" because of who I am, then being a mother of two, I'm taking time off without pay, again and again. I'm a mom of two, winter break sucked up all of my vacation and sick time.  Kids had the flu last weekend, my son ending up in the ER for IV fluids and anti nausea medication for 4 hours, then my daughter came down with it Monday.  I have Family Medical leave act for both myself and my son (he has CKD) so I am able to take off time without pay as long as I have enough hours of FMLA. Today schools were closed due to weather, which turned out to not be a worthy weather day for closings.  I took 6.5 hours off on Monday and 5 hours off today unpaid.  Now I can't make my mortgage payment because my next check won't cover it.... and there will be nothing for groceri...
Read more

Choose Your Mood..... Well Kind of.

I was able to roll out of bed today so I am off to a better start than yesterday.  I tend to stumble and fumble around the house in the dark until I get my eyes open.  Went and got my coffee started, THANK GOD for Keurig and the perfect cup of coffee. Went downstairs and fed the cats, came back up, got my hot coffee (added some creamer) and started to walk to the table to sit down and collect my thoughts.  Instead of "gracefully" walking to the table I stepped on one cats tail, then tripped over the other one, and fell flat on my face, coffee thrown EVERYWHERE!  as I lay there, I thought why do I bother.  If I could get by with calling into work this would be the day -  However I need to pay the bills so I chose to clean up the mess, and head to the shower. Who in the hell wanders around the house with hot coffee in the dark with two black cats?  Me, I do. I did this to myself.  I can't really be the type of person that chooses the mood t...
Read more