My Days

I think I have now built a cycle of my moods.  I have 3-5 days of depression, then 3 good days then 3-5 days of insomnia before cycling back to depression.  I hadn't noticed a pattern like this up until the last couple of months.  I tended to have longer bouts with depression - weeks at a time then insomnia and rarely a good day.  I'm not sure if the cycling is a good thing or not, but less of a bad thing does feel better.

I have been struggling with Insomnia the last 3 nights, but other than feeling tired feel generally good so I guess I will take it.

I am still having my sad moments in regards to my husband not inviting me to his holiday/Christmas party meanwhile still making sexual advances.  I really am starting to think that it is his only way of knowing how to show affection, either way it's unacceptable and  I continue to tell him so.  I have declined invites to go see holiday lights and dinner both this week from him because that is just the excuse to get  in bed together before or after the event.  We met at the 3 year olds school last night for a Christmas Show and he relentlessly tried to get me to either stop by his house or go to his house to hop in the sack.  He asked why I was saying no, then asked if I was going to say no forever, I said I don't know.  He has no idea I'm still pissed about the party.  I did mention at his first request the only reason he was showing affection toward me in public (while in the school) is because no one knows us.... He laughed at this.  Still don't know if he connected the dots.

I am at my wits end at how to get our marriage into a healthy relationship.  He's not a bad man, he just has shitty emotional and support skills.  I don't know if he will be able to "be there" for me other than a quickie and see you later.

I'm going to try to just put all of that aside and enjoy my weekend with the kids, likely going to a movie today and enjoy some fattening buttery popcorn!!

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