The Event Day Has Come
The day has come, today is my husbands holiday party, celebrating 21 years of business with his friends and family and after multiple conversations still no invite. I feel like some sort of an outcast with no social skills.... Believe me, I know how to fake being normal in a public setting, I have been doing it my entire adult life. Most people would be astounded to know what my day to day life entails.
My last few days have been good... you know, not depressed not overly anxious or manic and I've actually slept the last couple of nights.... the I feel dead inside, no feelings "normal" days I rarely experience. I'm afraid I might fall apart today and I don't want that, I don't want another weekend wasted on shit I can't change bringing me down.
He will be dropping the kids off in a couple of hours for an over night so he can have his day, I'm sure not before trying to visit the bedroom per usual.... I plan to tell him to enjoy his day with his friends and family as he walks out the door leaving his wife and kids behind. I'm sure that it will fall on deaf ears and will not have any effect on his day.
I write a lot about his sexual advances and have come to the conclusion this is his way of showing his affection and I do want to clarify if I haven't before, I'm not anti sex, I enjoy being intimate with him, and we certainly are not able to be as often now that we live apart. It's the one thing that has always been healthy and satisfying in our relationship, it's just a big issue now because there is still no emotional support or conversation about my bi-polar, and all of the different things that entails. He still believes if he ignores it, it will go away, so I often feel like I'm being taken advantage of because him being horny trumps my whole goal of making us a have a more healthy relationship.
So far I'm holding it together, but I've only been up for an hour and have yet to face that I am not a part of his life today, just a babysitter for our own children. The bonus is spending time with them, the let down is not spending time with him and those who are important in his life. I think I will have a Clonazepam with my coffee as I will need it to continue holding it together.
I hope the rest of you have a good start to your weekend, whether you are the one suffering or dealing with a loved one that makes you suffer -- hang in there, there are always good days and bad days. I know that there are two sides to every story, I only wish my husband would share his side with me.
My last few days have been good... you know, not depressed not overly anxious or manic and I've actually slept the last couple of nights.... the I feel dead inside, no feelings "normal" days I rarely experience. I'm afraid I might fall apart today and I don't want that, I don't want another weekend wasted on shit I can't change bringing me down.
He will be dropping the kids off in a couple of hours for an over night so he can have his day, I'm sure not before trying to visit the bedroom per usual.... I plan to tell him to enjoy his day with his friends and family as he walks out the door leaving his wife and kids behind. I'm sure that it will fall on deaf ears and will not have any effect on his day.
I write a lot about his sexual advances and have come to the conclusion this is his way of showing his affection and I do want to clarify if I haven't before, I'm not anti sex, I enjoy being intimate with him, and we certainly are not able to be as often now that we live apart. It's the one thing that has always been healthy and satisfying in our relationship, it's just a big issue now because there is still no emotional support or conversation about my bi-polar, and all of the different things that entails. He still believes if he ignores it, it will go away, so I often feel like I'm being taken advantage of because him being horny trumps my whole goal of making us a have a more healthy relationship.
So far I'm holding it together, but I've only been up for an hour and have yet to face that I am not a part of his life today, just a babysitter for our own children. The bonus is spending time with them, the let down is not spending time with him and those who are important in his life. I think I will have a Clonazepam with my coffee as I will need it to continue holding it together.
I hope the rest of you have a good start to your weekend, whether you are the one suffering or dealing with a loved one that makes you suffer -- hang in there, there are always good days and bad days. I know that there are two sides to every story, I only wish my husband would share his side with me.
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