Unsatisfying Response

So from my prior blog with some prompting I indeed got the answer that my husband does not want me around people he knows.  He quoted that the facebook post I made a couple of weeks ago was the reason.  That facebook post was my prior blog post Anniversary and Death.  He rarely checks facebook but for whatever reason he read that post, not bothering to wish me well, check on me or mention it until yesterday.  He felt as though I threw him under the bus.... well had I laid in that bed another day like he allowed I wouldn't be here today.  He didn't ask me what was going on or seek medical attention he just left me there because I was "depressed" and "lazy"... which he will never see that situation as it really was.

I responded saying that I would have thought that post would have encouraged him to be more supportive or understanding of who I am and what I am going through and that it wasn't about him it was about me.  I thanked him for clarifying where we actually stand and reiterated I'm still the wife everyone knows about but no one sees, that nothing changes and I'm slowly learning that.  I told him I give.  I'm done.

A little while later he advised that before this conversation he was going to invite me to go see holiday lights with the kids, and get a sitter one night so we could go to dinner.  To both of these I respectfully responded that it was not a good idea and no.  He went on to say that he may suck at many things but not to doubt his love for me, expressing it and support are his two crappier attributes.

When I got to the house to pick up my daughter he met me outside with a hug.  Apologized for what he lacks and mistakes he makes and I did as well.  I couldn't talk about the text conversation because it was going to make me cry and it wasn't the time for that.  I made it in the house and while waiting for my daughter to finish getting ready he hugged me again, then kissed me and told me he loved me.

I left with so many mixed emotions.  Why do I have to beg for him to just look at me or listen to me to get this kind of support from him.  It's really not that hard and I don't need much.  Just to be more than an object to him.

My daughter stayed the night with me since we were got home late from the concert and I had to take her back this morning before my shift at job #2.  First thing this morning I get a message from him about jumping in the sack (which was actually much more raunchy and detailed than that but I will spare you) when I drop off our daughter.

Are you fucking kidding me?  What part of you refusing to take me around anyone you know crushing my entire being do you think leads to the bedroom?  I have no fucking desire for him to even touch me.  I am so fed up with him thinking that sex is the answer.  It's his fix, but I'm still left as the wife known about but not seen, pretty much a prostitute at his beckon call other than I'm not getting paid, so I guess just a piece of ass would be a better fit.

I don't know what to do.  I think I am just going to focus on the kids, limit conversations only regarding them and decline any invites that just leads to him thinking his payback for treating me like a person is sex.  I'm still so depressed and consistently crying over this whole situation and he just moves on as if nothing has happened. 

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