Madness is My Normal

It's hard to be bipolar suffering through depression, anxiety and insomnia, trying to make it to two jobs and failing miserably to do so because of the damn winter.  It's difficult to "be there" because of who I am, then being a mother of two, I'm taking time off without pay, again and again. I'm a mom of two, winter break sucked up all of my vacation and sick time.  Kids had the flu last weekend, my son ending up in the ER for IV fluids and anti nausea medication for 4 hours, then my daughter came down with it Monday.  I have Family Medical leave act for both myself and my son (he has CKD) so I am able to take off time without pay as long as I have enough hours of FMLA. Today schools were closed due to weather, which turned out to not be a worthy weather day for closings.  I took 6.5 hours off on Monday and 5 hours off today unpaid.  Now I can't make my mortgage payment because my next check won't cover it.... and there will be nothing for groceri...

I had one of my meds increased last week and I have been feeling much more stable.  So far this week has been pretty smooth as far as my mood swings go.  Until yesterday, but there was a reason so I still think I overall was doing well mentally. It was my sons 4th birthday party and we had rented a venue to have the party, he woke up at 6:30AM and began throwing up non stop.  Finally at 9:30AM after talking with my husband we made the call to cancel the party.  I was bawling, I had put so much work into the party I was so disappointed and couldn't control my crying.  My son continued to throw up until I took him to the ER at 1:00PM.  They had to give him fluids through and IV and Zofran to stop the vomiting.  At this point I then felt like a total selfish asshole for even thinking cancelling a party was a big deal. It's crazy how I can lose my shit over plans failing but I'm calm cool and collected when it comes to the serious stuff.  Mom mode...