Madness is My Normal

Last fall I fell into a deep depression, some because I am crazy, some because I worked full time but didn't have anyone help with my two beautiful kids.  I had been seeing a psychiatrist for almost a year who prescribed me a new prescription nearly every month to treat my major depressive disorder.  I always considered his professionalism as he nodded and said uh huh to everything I said while slurping a 32 oz fountain drink.  By mid November I completely lost my shit.  I couldn't get out of bed for a 3 day stretch, this was not a normal depressive cycle for me.  I usually am like a roller coaster ride up one day down the next (which is happening again so time for a med check).  What I didn't realize was that during this 3 days of "laying in bed" I was getting up and taking a handful of xanex with a glass of wine and going back, and then repeated this until I had taken 92 xanex and drank a full box of wine... the 5 bottle box, not 3. My husband would per...

I was able to roll out of bed today so I am off to a better start than yesterday.  I tend to stumble and fumble around the house in the dark until I get my eyes open.  Went and got my coffee started, THANK GOD for Keurig and the perfect cup of coffee. Went downstairs and fed the cats, came back up, got my hot coffee (added some creamer) and started to walk to the table to sit down and collect my thoughts.  Instead of "gracefully" walking to the table I stepped on one cats tail, then tripped over the other one, and fell flat on my face, coffee thrown EVERYWHERE!  as I lay there, I thought why do I bother.  If I could get by with calling into work this would be the day -  However I need to pay the bills so I chose to clean up the mess, and head to the shower. Who in the hell wanders around the house with hot coffee in the dark with two black cats?  Me, I do. I did this to myself.  I can't really be the type of person that chooses the mood t...

Thank God for my amazing therapist.... I did manage to get out of my bed to see here today.  I'm realizing I don't give a shit about things that used to really bother me but I am still stumped on why my lows seem to occur so much more than the highs and definitely more than the "norm". She knows that riding my Harley clears my mind, and before our session was over suggested I go for a ride.  I really just wanted to go back home and to bed, but a friend texted at just the right time, so Louize (my Harley) and I went for a short ride around town with a friend.  It cleared my mind and made me feel less shitty..... but here I am back in bed and adding to my blog. Sorry to be Debbie Downer but I needed to get the feelings out....... There was a couple of hours not totally wasted for my day so it wasn't a complete fail.  I'll try again tomorrow.  One day at a time is not just for alcoholics.... however that may be another topic to discuss too. #therapy #harley ...

I just arrived home after a wonderful Florida vacation with my two kids.  It was their first time flying and seeing the Gulf, and they absolutely loved it.  I have always loved the beach, it's the one place (no matter what beach, city, state or country) that I can clear my mind and be "normal".  I finished a book that my niece gave me almost a year ago, one she had read and thought would help me.  I have picked it up and put it down several times over the passing months, not because I didn't want to read it or that I didn't want to read it, I was just not able to focus and sit down and finish it.  Until I was in a place where I could clear my mind. Today I woke up at 3:30 AM, again at 5:00 AM and finally when my alarm went off at 6:45 AM to get up to get ready for work.  I couldn't lift my head off of my pillow.  I hit sleep and rolled over, which I found equally as difficult as raising my head off of my pillow.  I searched around blindly with o...