Madness is My Normal

I'm having an affair, a very fun affair, very intense affair, an affair with my husband.  Many of my prior blogs have been me bitching about my husband always trying to figure out a way to get a quickie.  Nothing has changed, well nothing with him until after I stopped saying no and started saying yes.   We've gotten together at least 3-4 times a week the last month.  The fun started when he had a few too many beers and begged to come over and after finally saying yes he took an Uber over.  The kids were sleeping and for the first time in several years we were able to have a sexual encounter without a child interrupting.  There was a lot of passion and intimacy that we have been lacking for years and something changed for both of us.  He took an Uber back home after and that was the beginning of our affair.   We have been sneaking back and forth to each others houses depending on which of us have the kids once they have gone ...

I've been going through something different lately - I've decided to call it stuck.  I'm not depressed, anxious, manic or anything I normally cycle through with my bipolar.  I am just here.  Completely dead inside with no feelings, no "mood", just here..... stuck. I'm just going through the motions of the day to day because I guess I have to and should be happy I'm not suffering from my normal ups and downs but I'm not.  I don't think I can ever be happy or in the right emotion at the right time. The 4 year old finally had his birthday party today.  We had to cancel the first one due to a virus and brief visit to the ER for fluids.  All of his friends were able to come and he was so excited and happy.  I want to feel just a pinch of that happiness because I'm missing out on the most important times of my life being such a fucked up mess. I know even normal people have their ups and downs - but my normal is dead and empty.  I just want to ...