Madness is My Normal

Day 3 of dealing with little to no sleep.  Insomnia has kicked into high gear.  I go to bed, struggle to fall asleep, then I'm up in an hour or so as if I had a power nap.  It takes an hour or two to fall back to sleep and before I know it I'm wide awake again.  I've tried everything.  I've been reading books at night instead of watching TV or being on the computer or my phone trying to unplug and relax.  I take Abilify and Clonazepam, both should make me tired....Nada...I'm a mess, it's all I can do to get through the day.  I'm zombified trying to muddle through and take care of the kids.  My head is foggy I can't think (except for those racing thoughts of all of the things I should be doing/sans usual).  I've been reading blogs for advise, tried meditation, essential oils in a diffuser- still no break.  All last week I woke up a couple of times generally around 1:00 AM and again at 3:30 or 4:00 but at least got about 5 hours of sleep i...

Whether you are feeling overwhelmed, anxious, depressed or like you can't live another day, STOP!  Take a moment, breathe, and think of something positive in your life, in your present, in your past to distract those feelings.  I'm trying really hard to follow my own advise today, may you all have a good worry free weekend. #enjoyyourweekend

One of my favorite laughable moments is my kids, 3 and 7 belly laughing as they stick their feet in my face and say "SMELL MY FEET".  They think it is the funniest thing in the world, and while their feet are quite stinky - it's sometimes the best part of my day.  I don't know that I would survive without these two.  They are what keeps me going and what gives me purpose. My son (3) loves to cuddle and snuggle, and he has no idea the therapy he is providing me with his big heart and sweet kind being.  My depression started when he was born, he was sick the first 7 weeks with kidney disease that was not diagnosed.  My persistence taking him to the doctor over and over finally led to two weeks of touch and go on whether or not he would live.  He is a miracle, and they don't know how but has not had any issue since he was 3 months old.  He takes meds for high blood pressure and is otherwise a normal healthy 3 year old boy.  Sadly a lot of the early...

While talking on the phone with my Mother in-Law last night she briefly asked me if I was "feeling better" if I was "over it" addressing losing my shit last year and being diagnosed as bipolar. I took a deep breath and rather than trying to explain for the umpteenth time that I'm never going to be "over it" that bipolar disorder, anxiety and depression are here to stay.  It's not the flu or a cold or even cancer.  There is no cure, you don't get over it or get rid of it. She asked about my meds, what I was taking and I told her, I'm lucky I'm just taking Lamactil in the morning and Abilify in the evenings and so far, I am doing better than I was last year.  She then with advised me in a condescending tone, well, make sure you continue to take them.  No shit??  Really??  One thing I have going for me is I don't mind taking my meds, and I know they are helping and I will continue to take them, but thanks for the advise and pretend...

I have spent my entire week in a bubble of distraction.  Swirling thoughts, staring off in space, brain consumed with thoughts slamming through my mind - mostly dumb shit that does not pertain to any area of my life.  Not sure if it's a medication wall, lack of sleep or just the pure luck of the gene pool being bat shit crazy. In the midst of these continued feelings - today I get a call, my son has a fever and I need to pick him up from day care.  He is 3, and the kindest sweetest boy I have ever known.  In an instant that focus I couldn't find went came together.  I had a purpose, a mission, something outside of myself outside of work, outside of my shitty friends and family who are never really there for me.  My kid needed me, and I needed him.  I couldn't get to him fast enough.  He's been battling a cold all week and he's a trooper, but we all know that when the fever hits that it's downhill for a couple of days. It sounds awful, but leav...

I'm drowning, physically drowning, I can't breath, can't come up for air I am consumed.  I'm drowning in emotions, drowning in debt, drowning in life. I'm working my ass off at a full time job, and a part time job.  I've signed up for shifts all weekend since I don't have the kids at my part time job.  It's a tipping gig with shitty hourly pay, the last two nights I made $85 and then $65.  It's more than I started with before the weekend but when the other girls I'm working with are walking out the door with $200 to $800 I have to question what is the point.  I'm a stressed out wreck, I really needed to make some money this weekend - I just needed enough to pay the bills that are outstanding and maybe have enough to take my kids to do something.  They don't understand why I can't do more with them and why it comes so easy with dad.  I'm in a lose lose no matter what.  I'm the diseased.  I'm the failure. I'm doubtin...

So far today I am managing to be free of anxiety and depression both.  I'm more focused but I'm tired.  So tired and not motivated at all.  I'm trying to at least push through my work day.  I'm on lunch now at home, dreading going back but I have to.  I'm trying to stay positive because today is much better than yesterday.  Hang in there the rest of you, sometimes the ups and downs are a little less severe one day to the next....Today would be one of those days I guess.

When I started this blog I was on a depression low....  Now I am full of anxiety.  All day today I was anxious and jittery and had hundreds of thoughts slamming through my mind to the point I couldn't bring focus to any one of them.  One would think that as the day went on that it would decrease, or that I could slow it down but when quitting time came at work I had an overwhelming rush of anxiety that made me feel like I was going to burst out of my skin. I thought about all of the times that people have asked me "What do you do to decompress?" or tell me "You should decompress".  What the FUCK does that mean?  I am literally losing my shit because I can't slow my mind or feelings rushing through my body to even begin to know what decompress means.  I've tried breathing, grounding techniques, meditation and yoga.  I can't shut off my mind in order to distract myself enough to relax and reset.  For the last 3 hours I kept thinking I should jus...

I'm baffled by how difficult it is to find the urge to write when I'm feeling "normal".  My increase in Abilify has allowed me to get out of bed, most days before my alarm goes off.  I'm not suffering insomnia at this time, but sometimes I may only sleep 4-6 hours but its solid sleep which is new for me.  I've found that I'm continuously amped or manic now that I'm not depressed.  I try to counteract the anxiety with a dose of Clonazepam.  It's like a game of which pill to take when to get on the right track.  I've been very productive the last couple of weeks, but have also been spending money shopping on line like I have no business doing.  I have now confirmed not only depression makes me shop - that apparently just happens no matter how I am feeling.  Sometimes I may just be buying cat litter and food, but I am buying it on credit online instead of budgeting my cash and going to the store.  It's a vicious cycle.  Me and shopping....