Madness is My Normal

I have over and over again racked up insane amounts of credit card debt, struggled for years to pay it off only to turn around and do it again.  I blame my bipolar.  When I spend money, I feel good.  When a package comes in the mail I feel good.  This last year I justified the increase in credit card debt because I had to completely furnish a house and buy all new clothes and shoes for the kids because when I was told to leave my husbands house I had my clothes and my vehicle.  Now, replacing those items probably hit between 10-12K but why I'm now in the hole 30K is beyond me.  I don't really have anything to show for it.  I don't make big or expensive purchases, but when something is on sell I am getting 3 of them.  It's a compulsion like being a gambling addict or an alcoholic and I don't know how to stop.  Each month it's a roulette game - do I pay my utilities or my credit cards with one of my paychecks and my other goes to my mortgage. ...

I had a fantastic day yesterday.  It's the first day I can remember in a long time that was just great from start to finish.  I woke up around 4:30 AM - that seems to be the norm since my psychiatrist increased my Abilify a week or so ago.  It doesn't seem to matter if I go to bed at 10 PM or 2 AM I am UP at 4:00 to 4:30 AM every morning and can't go back to bed.  Besides that, everything was great.  I was in a good mood,  I had my coffee before the kids got up and got to check my emails and what is going on in the world of Facebook and Twitter.  When they did get up, I made them breakfast, my daughter had a soccer game, scored a goal and won 8-0.  We came home and watched Captain Underpants on pay per view, lounged around and had taco's for dinner (the kids favorite). We finally got up and around and moved all of our crafting things, Scrapbooking stuff, slime, paints and an array of other things to the new room in the basement I put together fo...

I have been so low this week that my husband kept the kids on my days for me, no questions asked, he just did it.  I went to my daughters soccer practice last night and my son was very excited to see me, which was heart warming and my husband per usual just made casual small talk.   When we were at our cars in the parking lot, I helped get the kids in the car and of course he snuck a quick grab ass and asked when he could get some nookie... it must have been my expression because he backed up a bit and just stood there.  I responded "I didn't say no, I just feel - Blah".  He then went on to discuss that he ran into someone who knew his friend who took his life back in March - who had been recently diagnosed as bipolar.  This man had been friends with my husband since T-Ball and he is completely crushed that he is gone.  I am as well, don't get me wrong, I just struggle to understand how he is talking with people and trying to cope with the loss of his fr...

As if it's not bad enough to be bipolar and fight the highs and lows I also have to deal with a lot of guilt feelings and self shaming about many things I do, don't do or say.  I've been so low lately that I asked my husband for the first time in the last year to keep the kids my days this week.  I didn't give any reason just asked and he said ok.  I have been so down and I'm so broke that I thought it would be better for them to stay with him this week and even though we have a 50/50 agreement it's more 70/30 me having them the majority of the time. I love being a mom, it's all I ever wanted in life, so now I'm self shaming and judging myself, riddled with guilt for having their dad step it up and take care of them in my time of need.  I should be happy that he didn't ask why because if I had to answer I think that being selfish is what I would have to say and that isn't something I am used to.  It hurts that he doesn't care if I am ok or ...

Well I got the supports sawed off of the table to pull it apart, now I need to find help to bring it into the house because it's not only awkward but heavy.  I painted an autumn colored owl on a tree on a wood craft board to hang on the door in place of the ribbon and flip flop  wreath.  I even painted a wine bottle jack-o-lantern to get ahead for next months decor needs. I am happy to say I got my checklist I typed about earlier accomplished.  I'll have to say the music blasting while I did all of that was very helpful, but once I was done.... the lows set in.  Low Low Low Low. I took a shower, cried.  Got out of the shower and cried.  Crawled in bed and cried.  Took some meds and tried to go to sleep couldn't and cried.  It's been hours.  I can't drag myself up to do anything and I can't sink my mind or body into anything comforting.  I don't know how one stores so much fluid, it seems that I would have run out by now, they ju...

Of course I'm up at the butt crack of dawn since I took my sad crying ass to bed so early last night.  I woke up with a deep feeling of emptiness coupled with a heart pounding anxiety over the laundry list of projects I should get up and do to make use of my time. I don't know if I'm high or low, I think somewhere in the middle Hi-Lo.  I'm going to do my best to focus on myself today.  Maybe turn the phone off and turn on some music and just drown out life in general.   No one actually talks to me unless they need something and if you've read my other posts I really have no one to do anything with.  Since I've moved to my house I feel like I'm becoming more introverted.  I used to be such a thrill seeker and now I just seek alone time because everything else just turns to shit and it's like pulling teeth to get someone to come over and hang out. When I was with my husband, we would take the kids and join some friends (his friends, I have lost...

I don't go out often but a couple of weeks ago I did with a friend.  We were having a great time.  A friend of she and her boyfriends walked in the bar as we were leaving and after being introduced we had a great chat.  We planned to hang out the following night as a group.  He knows I am married and that dating or "hooking up" was off of the table but there was just something enjoyable about talking to him.  I'm 39, really close to turning 40 and this boy is 32, to me just a baby. The following night he met my friend and I and we talked for hours, he listened to me, I listened to him, we were so at ease it was as if we had known each other for years.  It didn't hurt that he threw out a few compliments along the way.  I am usually pretty hard on myself and for someone to tell me I'm beautiful and have a great personality is amazing. The last couple of weeks we have texted back and forth almost every day, just a simple how was your day or to say hav...

Today started out as an up day, had the day off, had the kids.  They played outside, we went to a couple of parks.  There was an afternoon filled with monkey bars, slides, an obstacle course and a splash pad.  Watching the kids run and laugh was so heartwarming.  When we got home we snuggled on the couch and talked, my husband was coming to get them soon. The low started the moment they left.  My heart sunk.  The tears came about 15 minutes later.  I was alone.  I was unwanted.  My kids and my husband left with smiles and here I am, beginning a depressive cycle.  I always have ups and downs, but it's much worse shuffling the kids back and forth and having my husband behave as if it's business as usual. Even if we did work things out eventually, I would have to be able to mask my ups and downs.  The only friends I had were his friends so along with him when I had my breakdown they abandoned me too.  Some of them even went as...

It is so strange to have your kids for the weekend when you are separated and have your husband come pick you and the kids up to drive an hour and twenty minutes to celebrate your father in laws birthday.  Everything is just the same as any other trip as if nothing in life has changed.   Except the nagging distraction of racing thoughts in my head about how did I get here?  How can he / we just go along as if nothing has happened this last 10 months?  How long are we going to continue to pretend that I'm not bipolar or that he didn't abandon me and throw me out of his life when I hit rock bottom? Why do I continue to live this charade hoping one day (after 13 years) that he will somehow get me? Questions that boggled my mind on the drive down, and now traveling back home with him sitting next to me in silence while I write this.  Why do I have to over think and analyze everything?  Why can't I just be? There sure are a lot of whys in my life and this is j...

With my complete amazement I woke up early this morning in a good/normal mood.  My kids snuggled in bed next to me, my son on my right and my daughter on my left.  I quietly snuck out of bed to go make my coffee and relish in the moment that I was not tire, miserable and just able to want to get out of bed. My daughter woke up and went straight for the electronics while she laid in bed for the next two hours (I know, I know, bad mom with the electronics) which was great that she was self entertaining while her 3 year old brother continued to sleep.  Fed the cats, got a load of laundry going, and finished my coffee by the time he got up. Not being a fan of clothes and straight out of bed my son asked "can I go jump on the trampoline" while wearing only his underpants ninja turtle headband, arm sleeves and nun chucks.  How could you say no to that?  We went outside, and he ran and ran around the trampoline singing "Ninja Turtles, Ninja Power" while swinging hi...