Madness is My Normal

I survived the holiday.  It was actually an enjoyable day with my in-laws with the exception of my husband.  He sat in the basement alone being anti social the majority of the day.  Barely spoke to me, leaving me feeling unwanted and alone once again.  He left a few hours before I did and the kids stayed the night with their Aunt.  Why do I continue to stay in this marriage hoping for a change.  He is not capable of changing and if he is he clearly doesn't want to.  The only contact he makes with me outside of information concerning the kids is if he wants me to send him a dirty picture or tries to make excuses for me to come in the house for a quickie every time there is an opportunity.  We actually haven't been intimate for over a month which is our longest stretch since we separated.  I know I hold on because I still don't want to be a divorced person, I don't want to completely break our family unite, and I do love him.  I can't ...

Well I wish you all luck today!  For many today could be lonely, overwhelming, dreadful, or your happy place.  What ever your situation I wish you the best.  I myself have mixed feelings.  I will be spending the day with my husband, kids and in-laws.  I wasn't welcome last year because of my suicide attempt the week prior but this year I am to act as all is normal.  I'm prepared to smile and nod my head and pretend I am normal today, as expected to make everyone else happy.  I am thankful for the out-laws, the other two that married into the family as they get me, and will support me with plenty of wine and conversation.  I am the one person that is allowed to help my brother in law in the kitchen so there is plenty of separation from uncomfortable conversation.  I know my husband will sit in the same chair and watch football per usual so no conversation to be had there.  I am thankful that the in-laws are a small family it certainly wil...

I have been depressed for weeks now, just completely falling apart.  I have a friend, we have known each other over 20 years.  He has actually been reading up on bipolar, and depression trying to understand what I go through.  The only person that I know that has.  He checks up on me, he sends me text messages to check in every so often, not too much, not too little, just at the right times it always seems.  He seems to have a 6th sense about how I'm doing because he will ask me to lunch or dinner at the very time I need his support.  Friday night I decided to buck up, stop crying and asked him to just take me out to have a good time.  We went to a hole in the wall bar (my favorite kind) and played pool (I'm no good at this) and laughed and danced and had fun.  He came over Saturday, I made dinner to make up for all the meals he has bought me (or a start I'll never be able to catch up to what he's done for me) and we just hung out, watched a coupl...

Fourteen years ago today my Dad passed away.  One year ago today I attempted to commit suicide.  I often struggle with the workings of my higher power (for ease I call him/her God).  I didn't realize the significance of the day that I tried to kill myself until a while later, but now I can't help but feel like for some reason my Dad was looking over me and decided for me that it was not my time. Had it not been for friends and my younger sister checking in on me after 3 days of taking a large amount of xanex chased by bottles of wine, I wouldn't be here today.  After 92 pills and 5 bottles of wine, when my sister got me to the ER there was nothing they could do for me except monitor my heart rate and hope for the best due to the duration of the overdose.  I spent a week in the mental ward to figure out what was wrong with me and what help I needed.  I had always struggled with anxiety and depression since I could remember.  I was seeing a psychiatris...

The good news is that my son's doctors referred to him as a "Rock Star".  All blood work and testing came back with great results.  At this point if all goes well we should be somewhat worry free until he hits puberty and then we just wait and see.  Thank God for a good day this way. The anxiety and the need for me to take clonazepam to be around my husband continues to be a problem.  2 1/2 hours in the car pretending as if nothing is wrong really gets me both anxious and depressed.  The depression hits after I drive home alone.  I still can't believe after asking for a divorce so I can file bankruptcy to get out of my financial nightmare has not once but twice been completely ignored.  It's as if the conversation never happened. For now I will try to make it through the best I can until I can't financially and then I will have to do what is right for me, so I can finally work on better self care.

I've been up since 3AM (it's now 7AM) thanks #insomnia.  I'm leaving with my 3 year old and hubs shortly to drive to the University hospital about an hour and forty five minutes away (dreading being in a car that long with the hubs due to recent events).  My son has CKD (Chronic Kidney Disease) and this is his routine check up, ultrasound with the Urologist, blood and urine tests with the Nephrology doctors then the results.... Now let me reiterate, we are very blessed with his condition, he was 7 weeks old when we found out and he was life flighted to the University hospital while we drove like a bat out of hell to get there to meet him.  We almost lost him, but he was discharged 15 days later and the last 3 years have been filled with luck.  He has high blood pressure, takes sodium chloride for growth and iron daily, not bad for a CKD kid.  His test results continue to show improvement to which both doctors have now dubbed him Miracle "3 year old".  Howev...

Today was a day filled with being useless.  No happiness, no ability to pretend to be happy, just dead inside.  No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't do it today.  When will this depression pass?  I felt like I failed at every step of the day, nothing went as planned, when I tried to do something it just fell flat and went wrong.  I just need a good day, something positive, something to turn things around.  I didn't choose this, I don't want this but it won't go away.  I feel useless, unable to take care of myself, my kids, my responsibilities.. I just want to be done with it all.

I probably should be tracking the days of my depression, I didn't expect it to last so long.  It was all I could do to get out of bed with the kids today.  I have gone from the bed, to the kitchen to make breakfast to the couch to lay down, back to the kitchen for lunch, to the basement to start movies so I can go back to the couch.  I'm doing all I can do not to cry in front of them, and my attitude sucks so I'm trying not to be snippy.  The are such sweet good kids, I don't know what I did to deserve them.  It's Saturday, a stay home day, they look forward to this all week, they just want to do one or two special things with me throughout the day and then for the most part they do well occupying themselves. My 7 year old finally retreated to her room figuring out mom sucks today and I just talked my 3 year old into watching another Netflix movie in the playroom if  I put on his Iron Man costume for him.  He agreed.... Now I'm back in bed, made sure t...

Crying when I wake up.  Crying in the shower (at least my mascara runs off down the drain), crying in the car, take a clonazepam to try not to cry at work all day, take another clonazepam because I can't remember if I took one yet or not.  Still fight off tears all day, can't concentrate on work because I'm focusing on not crying.  Cry in the car on the way home, can't run errands because I look like a fool because I have been crying.  Cry watching TV, cry myself to sleep.  Not one reason that I can think of to cry -- Everything just sucks?  How does one have so many tears?  Oh and don't forget all the snot, blowing your nose till it's raw, add it to the list of misery.  When will it stop, it should have ran it's course by now. #depressed #bipolar

I have managed to find a million reasons to be sad and feel sorry for myself today.  I spent several hours at a family gathering and for the most part all are just concerned with themselves and honestly I don't think it would have been noticed had I not been there at all.  There are a couple of people who asked how I have been and sincerely meant it, but in the mood I'm in I wasn't able to appreciate it.  I had to drop my kids off afterward so now I'm home alone, mind racing full of negativity and a lot of tears.  I just need it to STOP!  Just STOP, let me be normal, let me be happy, sad, mad or any other feeling when it is appropriate like most other people.  STOP just popping in and out of my life with no warning or specific reason.  I hate this roller coaster of up and downs and just need it to STOP. #fuckfeelings #overemotional #sad #overit #bipolar

I worked my 2nd job again last night, had 8 suites and no one showed up so I made zero money.  I am truly thankful that I have these jobs, I know a lot of people can't even get or hold one, so please don't think I am not grateful that I have them.  I just feel like I'm sinking, drowning and can't come up for air to take a breath.  I am slowly letting more bills go delinquent which adds to my anxiety and depression and this is not something I have been through before financially.  I've never had a lot of money but I've always been able to cover my bills. I finally got up the nerve last night in my depressive bawling fit to text my husband that we need to get divorced so I can file bankruptcy.  His reply was that he would pay $$ for blow jobs.  End of conversation.  I know that is his way of being funny.  But what I heard, is I'm not going to divorce you, help you or care about your problems per usual, but I'll treat you like a prostitute and pay ...

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As you all know, I moved out of my husband's house almost a year ago, November 15th will be the anniversary of my fucked up life becoming more fucked and alone.  When I left I had my truck and my clothes and shoes to take with me.  I have two kids, I bought a house, furnished 3 bedrooms, a dining room, living room, and am now on my 4th season of suitable clothes for my kids to wear.  Sadly I bought or was gifted everything that filled my husbands house, furniture and appliances included so it was a big slap in the face to be expected to have money just appear and be easily able to replace these items.  Nothing I bought was extravagant, I can find nice things at a low cost, but added up it cost a pretty penny.  The real problem is when I am stressed, or anxious or depressed, shopping makes me feel good.  So I have made extra unnecessary purchases along the way as well, to the tune of 30K.  I'm officially broke. My paychecks from my full time job, whic...