Madness is My Normal

I'm starting to think that my bipolar becomes dormant when I don't have to leave the house.  It's freezing, snowing out and too cold to play in and the kids are on winter break.  We've had no plans, just hanging out "snowed" in for 3 days now.  I feel good again today.  Two days in a row, it's early but I have the sense that it will carry through the day..... I'm at least going to try to ride it through the day. I was manic on Friday and then struck down with some depression, then yesterday was productive yet relaxing and enjoyable.  My mind was at ease, no worries, no anxiety, no depression.  Maybe a little mania but toned down to a minimum. I don't like my job, trying to get the kids dropped off on school days and to work on time is a high stress act,  the shuffling the kids back and forth is difficult on my emotions, I don't have a social life to look forward to, having this time off has been peaceful. Hopefully some changes are coming...

I don't typically post on good days, it just doesn't seem like there is as much to say.  I have that dreadful dead feeling and lack emotion but none of the bad things, anxiety, depression or anger have invited themselves into my day, so I'm going to just share a little. Today my boy turned 4.  He awoke to getting Happy Birthday sang to him and has been a true pleasure all day.  We opened gifts yesterday morning along with a mini chocolate cake while my husband was here, so it was scrambled eggs and bacon and chocolate chip cookies for breakfast this morning for his special treat.  He will have a party with family and his school friends next week. My daughter (7) and I made 3 new slimes to add to her vast collection and otherwise she has spent the day playing with her new Christmas gifts.  She's getting to a stage where she likes to entertain herself, so I'm really missing the snuggles and look at me's from her. It's -1 outside and we haven't left t...

I slept pretty good last night and woke up in a good mood since I didn't have to go to work.  The kids would be over in a couple of hours to stay the next couple of nights It's not my weekend by per usual my husbands business comes before the kids, bonus for me I get the extra time with them and that is never a bad thing. I could have slept in but was up at 5AM unable to go back to sleep so I had a cup of coffee and was going to relax and catch up on TIVO but couldn't sit still.  Next thing I know I am getting out the paint supplies and painting the basement stairway walls -- now I've been meaning to do this since I moved in in March and haven't had the urge to do it until this morning.  Again not a bad thing, it needed to be done.  About an hour later with some rocking out to my running playlist I was done. My husband came with the kids, my son will be 4 years old tomorrow so we decided to open gifts and do a mini cake quickly before he had to leave so he would...

Anger has found it's way back to my cycling.  I think I'm having normal days.... lack of sleep, constantly tired and numb inside but otherwise normal.  I'm fueled with ANGER.  I just can't seem to get through the day without wanting to lash out on someone.  I've dealt with this coming and going for so many years that I suck most of it in and don't actually lash out to those who mostly but not really deserve it. The bitch at work that is always trying to undermine me tripped it off Wednesday.  The cats eating the loaf of bread through the grocery sack did it yesterday and this morning it was my 3 year old son.  Really have to suck it in when that happens.  It was the simplest of tasks requested of him and it turns into whining and throwing a tantrum and finally I just throw my hands up in the air and scream as loud as I can.  There is nothing else I can do - he's 3 I can't make him not be 3.  And then after the scream that led him to more cr...

The day has come, today is my husbands holiday party, celebrating 21 years of business with his friends and family and after multiple conversations still no invite.  I feel like some sort of an outcast with no social skills.... Believe me, I know how to fake being normal in a public setting, I have been doing it my entire adult life.  Most people would be astounded to know what my day to day life entails. My last few days have been good... you know, not depressed not overly anxious or manic and I've actually slept the last couple of nights.... the I feel dead inside, no feelings "normal" days I rarely experience.  I'm afraid I might fall apart today and I don't want that, I don't want another weekend wasted on shit I can't change bringing me down. He will be dropping the kids off in a couple of hours for an over night so he can have his day, I'm sure not before trying to visit the bedroom per usual.... I plan to tell him to enjoy his day with his f...

I think I have now built a cycle of my moods.  I have 3-5 days of depression, then 3 good days then 3-5 days of insomnia before cycling back to depression.  I hadn't noticed a pattern like this up until the last couple of months.  I tended to have longer bouts with depression - weeks at a time then insomnia and rarely a good day.  I'm not sure if the cycling is a good thing or not, but less of a bad thing does feel better. I have been struggling with Insomnia the last 3 nights, but other than feeling tired feel generally good so I guess I will take it. I am still having my sad moments in regards to my husband not inviting me to his holiday/Christmas party meanwhile still making sexual advances.  I really am starting to think that it is his only way of knowing how to show affection, either way it's unacceptable and  I continue to tell him so.  I have declined invites to go see holiday lights and dinner both this week from him because that is just th...

I'm still depressed.  It feels like it's been an eternity.  I just can't kick it.  I called into work today.  I just want to sleep.  However I can't sleep, but I can't get out of bed.... WTF?  I can't even be depressed right.  I'm staying in bed sleep or not, but somehow I have got to eventually get out of this bed and function.  My house is a mess, I don't want to clean it... I have laundry to the ceiling and I don't want to do it and certainly don't want to put it away, that is the worst.  I pick up my kids at 5PM, so I have to figure out a way to shower at some point to do that.  I just don't want to "anything".  No one cares how I am or what I am doing, I'm not being missed.... what is the point of my existance, the answers are becoming fewer and fewer. FYI - My house is a mess.... but on a positive note, it's not dirty / filthy, just needs picked up and things put away.  I don't want to draw the wrong pic Well -...

So from my prior blog with some prompting I indeed got the answer that my husband does not want me around people he knows.  He quoted that the facebook post I made a couple of weeks ago was the reason.  That facebook post was my prior blog post Anniversary and Death.  He rarely checks facebook but for whatever reason he read that post, not bothering to wish me well, check on me or mention it until yesterday.  He felt as though I threw him under the bus.... well had I laid in that bed another day like he allowed I wouldn't be here today.  He didn't ask me what was going on or seek medical attention he just left me there because I was "depressed" and "lazy"... which he will never see that situation as it really was. I responded saying that I would have thought that post would have encouraged him to be more supportive or understanding of who I am and what I am going through and that it wasn't about him it was about me.  I thanked him for clarifying where ...

I'm have sunk into a complete funk.  Down right depressed.  Can't shake it.  I have been in and out of bed (mostly in) since 2:30 yesterday afternoon.  I was up at 5:30 this morning then 7:30 then 11:00 took a shower and now back in bed with my alarm set for 3:30....  I would stay in bed all day and night but I got my daughter tickets to Katy Perry tonight so I have to somehow drag my ass out of the house and take her.  This was something I have been looking forward to, and she is so excited I don't know if I can fake it through the night.  I just want to sleep and cry, and sleep some more. I haven't been happy all week, but I was doing okay'ish... I'm still hung up on the no response to the text yesterday that "I think you just don't want me to be around anyone you know".  No response 24 hours later, which clearly says, he doesn't want me around anyone he knows.  I'm only good enough for a booty call. Big changes ahead.  No more boo...

Do you ever find yourself continuously letting someone have the power over you to break your heart, soul and drain every ounce of good from you?  My husband (who I live separately from for those that haven't read prior posts) sent me a text today asking me to take the kids so he can attend his 21st anniversary / holiday party at his bar.  I responded yes, since I have nothing on the calendar.  I didn't go last year due to his disgust with my suicide attempt the month prior and complete lack of support he provided through that time, as well as not being invited.  Keep in mind this is the one time a year I was allowed be a patron at his bar because he'd rather me not be there the rest of the year.  I just stayed home with the kids, known about but never seen. After responding yes, I thought about it a bit, and I realize the exception last year, due to the extreme changes in our life recently and I honestly wasn't right in my head it was best that I wasn't invite...