Madness is My Normal

The day has come, today is my husbands holiday party, celebrating 21 years of business with his friends and family and after multiple conversations still no invite.  I feel like some sort of an outcast with no social skills.... Believe me, I know how to fake being normal in a public setting, I have been doing it my entire adult life.  Most people would be astounded to know what my day to day life entails. My last few days have been good... you know, not depressed not overly anxious or manic and I've actually slept the last couple of nights.... the I feel dead inside, no feelings "normal" days I rarely experience.  I'm afraid I might fall apart today and I don't want that, I don't want another weekend wasted on shit I can't change bringing me down. He will be dropping the kids off in a couple of hours for an over night so he can have his day, I'm sure not before trying to visit the bedroom per usual.... I plan to tell him to enjoy his day with his f...

I think I have now built a cycle of my moods.  I have 3-5 days of depression, then 3 good days then 3-5 days of insomnia before cycling back to depression.  I hadn't noticed a pattern like this up until the last couple of months.  I tended to have longer bouts with depression - weeks at a time then insomnia and rarely a good day.  I'm not sure if the cycling is a good thing or not, but less of a bad thing does feel better. I have been struggling with Insomnia the last 3 nights, but other than feeling tired feel generally good so I guess I will take it. I am still having my sad moments in regards to my husband not inviting me to his holiday/Christmas party meanwhile still making sexual advances.  I really am starting to think that it is his only way of knowing how to show affection, either way it's unacceptable and  I continue to tell him so.  I have declined invites to go see holiday lights and dinner both this week from him because that is just th...

I'm still depressed.  It feels like it's been an eternity.  I just can't kick it.  I called into work today.  I just want to sleep.  However I can't sleep, but I can't get out of bed.... WTF?  I can't even be depressed right.  I'm staying in bed sleep or not, but somehow I have got to eventually get out of this bed and function.  My house is a mess, I don't want to clean it... I have laundry to the ceiling and I don't want to do it and certainly don't want to put it away, that is the worst.  I pick up my kids at 5PM, so I have to figure out a way to shower at some point to do that.  I just don't want to "anything".  No one cares how I am or what I am doing, I'm not being missed.... what is the point of my existance, the answers are becoming fewer and fewer. FYI - My house is a mess.... but on a positive note, it's not dirty / filthy, just needs picked up and things put away.  I don't want to draw the wrong pic Well -...

So from my prior blog with some prompting I indeed got the answer that my husband does not want me around people he knows.  He quoted that the facebook post I made a couple of weeks ago was the reason.  That facebook post was my prior blog post Anniversary and Death.  He rarely checks facebook but for whatever reason he read that post, not bothering to wish me well, check on me or mention it until yesterday.  He felt as though I threw him under the bus.... well had I laid in that bed another day like he allowed I wouldn't be here today.  He didn't ask me what was going on or seek medical attention he just left me there because I was "depressed" and "lazy"... which he will never see that situation as it really was. I responded saying that I would have thought that post would have encouraged him to be more supportive or understanding of who I am and what I am going through and that it wasn't about him it was about me.  I thanked him for clarifying where ...

I'm have sunk into a complete funk.  Down right depressed.  Can't shake it.  I have been in and out of bed (mostly in) since 2:30 yesterday afternoon.  I was up at 5:30 this morning then 7:30 then 11:00 took a shower and now back in bed with my alarm set for 3:30....  I would stay in bed all day and night but I got my daughter tickets to Katy Perry tonight so I have to somehow drag my ass out of the house and take her.  This was something I have been looking forward to, and she is so excited I don't know if I can fake it through the night.  I just want to sleep and cry, and sleep some more. I haven't been happy all week, but I was doing okay'ish... I'm still hung up on the no response to the text yesterday that "I think you just don't want me to be around anyone you know".  No response 24 hours later, which clearly says, he doesn't want me around anyone he knows.  I'm only good enough for a booty call. Big changes ahead.  No more boo...

Do you ever find yourself continuously letting someone have the power over you to break your heart, soul and drain every ounce of good from you?  My husband (who I live separately from for those that haven't read prior posts) sent me a text today asking me to take the kids so he can attend his 21st anniversary / holiday party at his bar.  I responded yes, since I have nothing on the calendar.  I didn't go last year due to his disgust with my suicide attempt the month prior and complete lack of support he provided through that time, as well as not being invited.  Keep in mind this is the one time a year I was allowed be a patron at his bar because he'd rather me not be there the rest of the year.  I just stayed home with the kids, known about but never seen. After responding yes, I thought about it a bit, and I realize the exception last year, due to the extreme changes in our life recently and I honestly wasn't right in my head it was best that I wasn't invite...

I survived the holiday.  It was actually an enjoyable day with my in-laws with the exception of my husband.  He sat in the basement alone being anti social the majority of the day.  Barely spoke to me, leaving me feeling unwanted and alone once again.  He left a few hours before I did and the kids stayed the night with their Aunt.  Why do I continue to stay in this marriage hoping for a change.  He is not capable of changing and if he is he clearly doesn't want to.  The only contact he makes with me outside of information concerning the kids is if he wants me to send him a dirty picture or tries to make excuses for me to come in the house for a quickie every time there is an opportunity.  We actually haven't been intimate for over a month which is our longest stretch since we separated.  I know I hold on because I still don't want to be a divorced person, I don't want to completely break our family unite, and I do love him.  I can't ...

Well I wish you all luck today!  For many today could be lonely, overwhelming, dreadful, or your happy place.  What ever your situation I wish you the best.  I myself have mixed feelings.  I will be spending the day with my husband, kids and in-laws.  I wasn't welcome last year because of my suicide attempt the week prior but this year I am to act as all is normal.  I'm prepared to smile and nod my head and pretend I am normal today, as expected to make everyone else happy.  I am thankful for the out-laws, the other two that married into the family as they get me, and will support me with plenty of wine and conversation.  I am the one person that is allowed to help my brother in law in the kitchen so there is plenty of separation from uncomfortable conversation.  I know my husband will sit in the same chair and watch football per usual so no conversation to be had there.  I am thankful that the in-laws are a small family it certainly wil...

I have been depressed for weeks now, just completely falling apart.  I have a friend, we have known each other over 20 years.  He has actually been reading up on bipolar, and depression trying to understand what I go through.  The only person that I know that has.  He checks up on me, he sends me text messages to check in every so often, not too much, not too little, just at the right times it always seems.  He seems to have a 6th sense about how I'm doing because he will ask me to lunch or dinner at the very time I need his support.  Friday night I decided to buck up, stop crying and asked him to just take me out to have a good time.  We went to a hole in the wall bar (my favorite kind) and played pool (I'm no good at this) and laughed and danced and had fun.  He came over Saturday, I made dinner to make up for all the meals he has bought me (or a start I'll never be able to catch up to what he's done for me) and we just hung out, watched a coupl...

Fourteen years ago today my Dad passed away.  One year ago today I attempted to commit suicide.  I often struggle with the workings of my higher power (for ease I call him/her God).  I didn't realize the significance of the day that I tried to kill myself until a while later, but now I can't help but feel like for some reason my Dad was looking over me and decided for me that it was not my time. Had it not been for friends and my younger sister checking in on me after 3 days of taking a large amount of xanex chased by bottles of wine, I wouldn't be here today.  After 92 pills and 5 bottles of wine, when my sister got me to the ER there was nothing they could do for me except monitor my heart rate and hope for the best due to the duration of the overdose.  I spent a week in the mental ward to figure out what was wrong with me and what help I needed.  I had always struggled with anxiety and depression since I could remember.  I was seeing a psychiatris...

The good news is that my son's doctors referred to him as a "Rock Star".  All blood work and testing came back with great results.  At this point if all goes well we should be somewhat worry free until he hits puberty and then we just wait and see.  Thank God for a good day this way. The anxiety and the need for me to take clonazepam to be around my husband continues to be a problem.  2 1/2 hours in the car pretending as if nothing is wrong really gets me both anxious and depressed.  The depression hits after I drive home alone.  I still can't believe after asking for a divorce so I can file bankruptcy to get out of my financial nightmare has not once but twice been completely ignored.  It's as if the conversation never happened. For now I will try to make it through the best I can until I can't financially and then I will have to do what is right for me, so I can finally work on better self care.

I've been up since 3AM (it's now 7AM) thanks #insomnia.  I'm leaving with my 3 year old and hubs shortly to drive to the University hospital about an hour and forty five minutes away (dreading being in a car that long with the hubs due to recent events).  My son has CKD (Chronic Kidney Disease) and this is his routine check up, ultrasound with the Urologist, blood and urine tests with the Nephrology doctors then the results.... Now let me reiterate, we are very blessed with his condition, he was 7 weeks old when we found out and he was life flighted to the University hospital while we drove like a bat out of hell to get there to meet him.  We almost lost him, but he was discharged 15 days later and the last 3 years have been filled with luck.  He has high blood pressure, takes sodium chloride for growth and iron daily, not bad for a CKD kid.  His test results continue to show improvement to which both doctors have now dubbed him Miracle "3 year old".  Howev...

Today was a day filled with being useless.  No happiness, no ability to pretend to be happy, just dead inside.  No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't do it today.  When will this depression pass?  I felt like I failed at every step of the day, nothing went as planned, when I tried to do something it just fell flat and went wrong.  I just need a good day, something positive, something to turn things around.  I didn't choose this, I don't want this but it won't go away.  I feel useless, unable to take care of myself, my kids, my responsibilities.. I just want to be done with it all.

I probably should be tracking the days of my depression, I didn't expect it to last so long.  It was all I could do to get out of bed with the kids today.  I have gone from the bed, to the kitchen to make breakfast to the couch to lay down, back to the kitchen for lunch, to the basement to start movies so I can go back to the couch.  I'm doing all I can do not to cry in front of them, and my attitude sucks so I'm trying not to be snippy.  The are such sweet good kids, I don't know what I did to deserve them.  It's Saturday, a stay home day, they look forward to this all week, they just want to do one or two special things with me throughout the day and then for the most part they do well occupying themselves. My 7 year old finally retreated to her room figuring out mom sucks today and I just talked my 3 year old into watching another Netflix movie in the playroom if  I put on his Iron Man costume for him.  He agreed.... Now I'm back in bed, made sure t...

Crying when I wake up.  Crying in the shower (at least my mascara runs off down the drain), crying in the car, take a clonazepam to try not to cry at work all day, take another clonazepam because I can't remember if I took one yet or not.  Still fight off tears all day, can't concentrate on work because I'm focusing on not crying.  Cry in the car on the way home, can't run errands because I look like a fool because I have been crying.  Cry watching TV, cry myself to sleep.  Not one reason that I can think of to cry -- Everything just sucks?  How does one have so many tears?  Oh and don't forget all the snot, blowing your nose till it's raw, add it to the list of misery.  When will it stop, it should have ran it's course by now. #depressed #bipolar