Madness is My Normal

So we are officially divorced.  It’s been five months and my ex has decided he thinks we should start dating each other.  Really?  Why now?  Why now after everything we’ve been through does he want to try to give me what I asked for all along?  I just wanted some love, affection and some attention.  I wanted to be taken out on occasion.  I was exhausted from working full time and then being a full time mom on my off hours and just wanted a little adult conversation with my husband.  I just don’t get it.  I don’t think my mental capacity can endure much more.  I feel pushed and pulled and I don’t know what way to turn. I think I’m going to forever let this man make me all dark and twisty.

So I get a text that my husband (divorce pending) that found a picture of me when I was pregnant with my daughter and I looked great.  Goes on to say that he got his first chubby in months.  My response was “I don’t know how I, past or present could turn you on since you are divorcing me”.  He texts I’d still go down on you, I always enjoyed doing that. WTF?  This went back and forth a few times ending with him being defeated and admitting it.  How does someone you love, crush your soul by filing for divorce and have no problem trying to get in your pants? Not saying I don’t miss being with him sexually, because I do, but I just can’t belittle myself and give in to that when that is all he wants.  Just to fuck and be done.  We’re not dating, we’re not hooking up.  We are (pending divorce) ie he decided he didn’t want me - that, to me means none of me in any shape or form. Needless to say, I spent my entire night crying since I’ve been reduce...

Wow, it’s been a long time since I have posted.  The husband finally gave up and two days after a “booty” call in June, told me he was filing for divorce.  Two in a half years of working on our relationship, just poof, he’s out.  Our 15 year anniversary was August 31st and here I am alone... unwanted and completely beside myself in a dark depression.  There is a waiting period after you sign settlement papers in divorce, so it’s not final yet.  I’m hoping maybe when it is I can move on from this mental crisis I keep myself in because I feel worthless.  I feel like I have been thrown out with the trash, no second thought about it. If I didn’t have young kids, I wouldn’t be here.  I don’t want to be here, but I don’t want them to have their lives fucked up because their mom couldn’t hack it in the real world.  It’s all I can do to function, without falling completely apart.  I have no one to lean on, my friends are his friends.  My famil...

So far 40 sucks..  I woke up on my 40th birthday on vacation in Florida with my best friend with strep throat and double ear infection.  I have never had an ear infection in my life, really????  I'm from Iowa, it was still winter here and my one time to go on an adult vacation since my kids were born (my oldest is 8) was ruined with misery, inability to eat sleep, fever and chills.  I had to deal with it until I got home to go to the doctor.  That was in March. In May, I went out to start my Harley to go for a ride and clear my mind bike started rolled out of the garage only to have all of my fuel leak out from the caroborator.  Needless to say the bike went back in the garage and I have yet to find someone to fix it.  I have the parts just can't afford to take it to a dealership and the one guy I found to do it has been booked for months. June 30th my basement flooded, while I was at my 2nd job.  I came home to a nightmare.  My kids play...

Depressed.  Angy.  Anxious.  Angry.  I'm mad that I'm depressed, angry that I have shit to do but I can't get it done.  Pissed I can't just go to bed until it passes because I have to work to pay the bills and take care of my kids.  I am exhausted empty and dead inside but so full of rage.  How do you feel nothing yet so much all at once?  It makes absolutely no sense.  Every little thing sets me off.  I'm on my own no one to talk to, no one to discuss this with .... I'm without a therapist right now because my insurance raised my co pays so I can't go when as I need to be.  I have got to come out of this and soon or I'm going to go completely off the deep end.  I wish I had just one person in my life to just be there for me rather than suck every ounce of what I've got for their own agenda.

I can’t seem to get myself out of this dark fog.  I’ve been in bed for two days and I don’t ever want to get out of it.  Everything is so bleak.  Everything is exhausting.  Nothing I do is ever for myself.  I just don’t want to go on.  I’m not going to harm myself, though I do daydream about how much better it would be - not to be.  Would anyone really miss me?  It would take a while for them to figure out I was gone.  Hopefully I’ll find a way out of this, but for now, back to sleep I go.

Well, it has ended.  After a couple of weeks worth of whirlwind spontaneous sex with my husband we have come to a dry spell.  A drought.  It lasted through our anniversary night out and night in last Saturday for the first time having an adult night alone without our kids.  It was fantastic.  Then this week - NOTHING.  I can't help but feel down and abandoned and used.  I'm sure again he has no idea what the lack of attention this last week has done to me, but after a long spell of not feeling down it really sucks feeling once again unwanted and depression coming on.  I know that I should be used to the let down but I really thought we were turning a corner.  I don't know what I am supposed to do.  Continue to react when he's in the mood to give me attention or to just stop all together.  I feel lost, confused and alone, again.  I feel like an idiot for thinking things would change, for the better - but overall they are jus...

I'm having an affair, a very fun affair, very intense affair, an affair with my husband.  Many of my prior blogs have been me bitching about my husband always trying to figure out a way to get a quickie.  Nothing has changed, well nothing with him until after I stopped saying no and started saying yes.   We've gotten together at least 3-4 times a week the last month.  The fun started when he had a few too many beers and begged to come over and after finally saying yes he took an Uber over.  The kids were sleeping and for the first time in several years we were able to have a sexual encounter without a child interrupting.  There was a lot of passion and intimacy that we have been lacking for years and something changed for both of us.  He took an Uber back home after and that was the beginning of our affair.   We have been sneaking back and forth to each others houses depending on which of us have the kids once they have gone ...

I've been going through something different lately - I've decided to call it stuck.  I'm not depressed, anxious, manic or anything I normally cycle through with my bipolar.  I am just here.  Completely dead inside with no feelings, no "mood", just here..... stuck. I'm just going through the motions of the day to day because I guess I have to and should be happy I'm not suffering from my normal ups and downs but I'm not.  I don't think I can ever be happy or in the right emotion at the right time. The 4 year old finally had his birthday party today.  We had to cancel the first one due to a virus and brief visit to the ER for fluids.  All of his friends were able to come and he was so excited and happy.  I want to feel just a pinch of that happiness because I'm missing out on the most important times of my life being such a fucked up mess. I know even normal people have their ups and downs - but my normal is dead and empty.  I just want to ...

It's hard to be bipolar suffering through depression, anxiety and insomnia, trying to make it to two jobs and failing miserably to do so because of the damn winter.  It's difficult to "be there" because of who I am, then being a mother of two, I'm taking time off without pay, again and again. I'm a mom of two, winter break sucked up all of my vacation and sick time.  Kids had the flu last weekend, my son ending up in the ER for IV fluids and anti nausea medication for 4 hours, then my daughter came down with it Monday.  I have Family Medical leave act for both myself and my son (he has CKD) so I am able to take off time without pay as long as I have enough hours of FMLA. Today schools were closed due to weather, which turned out to not be a worthy weather day for closings.  I took 6.5 hours off on Monday and 5 hours off today unpaid.  Now I can't make my mortgage payment because my next check won't cover it.... and there will be nothing for groceri...

I had one of my meds increased last week and I have been feeling much more stable.  So far this week has been pretty smooth as far as my mood swings go.  Until yesterday, but there was a reason so I still think I overall was doing well mentally. It was my sons 4th birthday party and we had rented a venue to have the party, he woke up at 6:30AM and began throwing up non stop.  Finally at 9:30AM after talking with my husband we made the call to cancel the party.  I was bawling, I had put so much work into the party I was so disappointed and couldn't control my crying.  My son continued to throw up until I took him to the ER at 1:00PM.  They had to give him fluids through and IV and Zofran to stop the vomiting.  At this point I then felt like a total selfish asshole for even thinking cancelling a party was a big deal. It's crazy how I can lose my shit over plans failing but I'm calm cool and collected when it comes to the serious stuff.  Mom mode...

I'm starting to think that my bipolar becomes dormant when I don't have to leave the house.  It's freezing, snowing out and too cold to play in and the kids are on winter break.  We've had no plans, just hanging out "snowed" in for 3 days now.  I feel good again today.  Two days in a row, it's early but I have the sense that it will carry through the day..... I'm at least going to try to ride it through the day. I was manic on Friday and then struck down with some depression, then yesterday was productive yet relaxing and enjoyable.  My mind was at ease, no worries, no anxiety, no depression.  Maybe a little mania but toned down to a minimum. I don't like my job, trying to get the kids dropped off on school days and to work on time is a high stress act,  the shuffling the kids back and forth is difficult on my emotions, I don't have a social life to look forward to, having this time off has been peaceful. Hopefully some changes are coming...

I don't typically post on good days, it just doesn't seem like there is as much to say.  I have that dreadful dead feeling and lack emotion but none of the bad things, anxiety, depression or anger have invited themselves into my day, so I'm going to just share a little. Today my boy turned 4.  He awoke to getting Happy Birthday sang to him and has been a true pleasure all day.  We opened gifts yesterday morning along with a mini chocolate cake while my husband was here, so it was scrambled eggs and bacon and chocolate chip cookies for breakfast this morning for his special treat.  He will have a party with family and his school friends next week. My daughter (7) and I made 3 new slimes to add to her vast collection and otherwise she has spent the day playing with her new Christmas gifts.  She's getting to a stage where she likes to entertain herself, so I'm really missing the snuggles and look at me's from her. It's -1 outside and we haven't left t...

I slept pretty good last night and woke up in a good mood since I didn't have to go to work.  The kids would be over in a couple of hours to stay the next couple of nights It's not my weekend by per usual my husbands business comes before the kids, bonus for me I get the extra time with them and that is never a bad thing. I could have slept in but was up at 5AM unable to go back to sleep so I had a cup of coffee and was going to relax and catch up on TIVO but couldn't sit still.  Next thing I know I am getting out the paint supplies and painting the basement stairway walls -- now I've been meaning to do this since I moved in in March and haven't had the urge to do it until this morning.  Again not a bad thing, it needed to be done.  About an hour later with some rocking out to my running playlist I was done. My husband came with the kids, my son will be 4 years old tomorrow so we decided to open gifts and do a mini cake quickly before he had to leave so he would...

Anger has found it's way back to my cycling.  I think I'm having normal days.... lack of sleep, constantly tired and numb inside but otherwise normal.  I'm fueled with ANGER.  I just can't seem to get through the day without wanting to lash out on someone.  I've dealt with this coming and going for so many years that I suck most of it in and don't actually lash out to those who mostly but not really deserve it. The bitch at work that is always trying to undermine me tripped it off Wednesday.  The cats eating the loaf of bread through the grocery sack did it yesterday and this morning it was my 3 year old son.  Really have to suck it in when that happens.  It was the simplest of tasks requested of him and it turns into whining and throwing a tantrum and finally I just throw my hands up in the air and scream as loud as I can.  There is nothing else I can do - he's 3 I can't make him not be 3.  And then after the scream that led him to more cr...

The day has come, today is my husbands holiday party, celebrating 21 years of business with his friends and family and after multiple conversations still no invite.  I feel like some sort of an outcast with no social skills.... Believe me, I know how to fake being normal in a public setting, I have been doing it my entire adult life.  Most people would be astounded to know what my day to day life entails. My last few days have been good... you know, not depressed not overly anxious or manic and I've actually slept the last couple of nights.... the I feel dead inside, no feelings "normal" days I rarely experience.  I'm afraid I might fall apart today and I don't want that, I don't want another weekend wasted on shit I can't change bringing me down. He will be dropping the kids off in a couple of hours for an over night so he can have his day, I'm sure not before trying to visit the bedroom per usual.... I plan to tell him to enjoy his day with his f...

I think I have now built a cycle of my moods.  I have 3-5 days of depression, then 3 good days then 3-5 days of insomnia before cycling back to depression.  I hadn't noticed a pattern like this up until the last couple of months.  I tended to have longer bouts with depression - weeks at a time then insomnia and rarely a good day.  I'm not sure if the cycling is a good thing or not, but less of a bad thing does feel better. I have been struggling with Insomnia the last 3 nights, but other than feeling tired feel generally good so I guess I will take it. I am still having my sad moments in regards to my husband not inviting me to his holiday/Christmas party meanwhile still making sexual advances.  I really am starting to think that it is his only way of knowing how to show affection, either way it's unacceptable and  I continue to tell him so.  I have declined invites to go see holiday lights and dinner both this week from him because that is just th...

I'm still depressed.  It feels like it's been an eternity.  I just can't kick it.  I called into work today.  I just want to sleep.  However I can't sleep, but I can't get out of bed.... WTF?  I can't even be depressed right.  I'm staying in bed sleep or not, but somehow I have got to eventually get out of this bed and function.  My house is a mess, I don't want to clean it... I have laundry to the ceiling and I don't want to do it and certainly don't want to put it away, that is the worst.  I pick up my kids at 5PM, so I have to figure out a way to shower at some point to do that.  I just don't want to "anything".  No one cares how I am or what I am doing, I'm not being missed.... what is the point of my existance, the answers are becoming fewer and fewer. FYI - My house is a mess.... but on a positive note, it's not dirty / filthy, just needs picked up and things put away.  I don't want to draw the wrong pic Well -...

So from my prior blog with some prompting I indeed got the answer that my husband does not want me around people he knows.  He quoted that the facebook post I made a couple of weeks ago was the reason.  That facebook post was my prior blog post Anniversary and Death.  He rarely checks facebook but for whatever reason he read that post, not bothering to wish me well, check on me or mention it until yesterday.  He felt as though I threw him under the bus.... well had I laid in that bed another day like he allowed I wouldn't be here today.  He didn't ask me what was going on or seek medical attention he just left me there because I was "depressed" and "lazy"... which he will never see that situation as it really was. I responded saying that I would have thought that post would have encouraged him to be more supportive or understanding of who I am and what I am going through and that it wasn't about him it was about me.  I thanked him for clarifying where ...

I'm have sunk into a complete funk.  Down right depressed.  Can't shake it.  I have been in and out of bed (mostly in) since 2:30 yesterday afternoon.  I was up at 5:30 this morning then 7:30 then 11:00 took a shower and now back in bed with my alarm set for 3:30....  I would stay in bed all day and night but I got my daughter tickets to Katy Perry tonight so I have to somehow drag my ass out of the house and take her.  This was something I have been looking forward to, and she is so excited I don't know if I can fake it through the night.  I just want to sleep and cry, and sleep some more. I haven't been happy all week, but I was doing okay'ish... I'm still hung up on the no response to the text yesterday that "I think you just don't want me to be around anyone you know".  No response 24 hours later, which clearly says, he doesn't want me around anyone he knows.  I'm only good enough for a booty call. Big changes ahead.  No more boo...